


beautiful

by billiesgirl



Category: Cadnis - Fandom, Cady Heron - Fandom, Mean Girls - Richmond/Benjamin/Fey, janis sarkisian - Fandom, lesbian - Fandom, teen - Fandom
Genre: Abuse, Angst, F/F, Lesbian Sex, Self-Harm, Sexual Assault, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:08:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 23
Words: 25,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23589652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/billiesgirl/pseuds/billiesgirl
Summary: Cady Heron is new to Northshore, a mystery following her presence. She has just moved to the States from Kenya. She gets swooped up by Janis and Damian, the outcasts that are too gay to function. As her feelings start to explore, she begins to fall for Janis, her troubled past and troubled present begin to fall apart in front of her.(Inspiration taken from Mean Girls on Broadway)
Relationships: Cady Heron/Janis Sarkisian
Comments: 3
Kudos: 30





	1. the calm before the storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: bulimia, self-harm

There she is, all alone in the cold bathroom attached to her bedroom. Her thin legs against the cold tile, her head over the toilet, her fingers down her throat. Her body shivers as the small piece of toast she ate earlier makes its reappearance. She slumps against the wall beside her, small streams of salty tears making their way down her face. She flushes down the demon she can't bare to look at. She looks at herself in the mirror. She strips of her old Taylor Swift tee and black athletic shorts, left in her old sports bra and panties that could fit a 10 year old.

_Fat. Ugly. Disgusting. Die._

The all too familiar voices wrack her mind, the tears streaming faster. Her ribs are easily seen, her skin barely able to cover them. She is only flesh and bones. She is so small. So thin. But that's not what she sees. She sees someone not good enough. She sees someone who doesn't deserve to live. She sees the old and new scars that line her arms. She places the clothes back on her body, shutting the light off and going back to into her bare bedroom. The cardboard boxes stare at her, dying to be unpacked. She lets out a small sigh, turning on her playlist. The voice of Billie Eilish soon fills the room. She rips open the first box, finding her old clothes. It mainly consists of old jeans and old sweatshirts. She goes through the pile, staring at the tattered clothes that fill the box. She keeps a few of her favorite sweatshirts, but is just going to get rid of the rest. She slips on her twenty one pilots sweatshirt, knowing her parents will be home soon. They do not know of the scars that line her body. They know about her weight. They believe it is just a birth defect. Her disinterest in food is passed off as a birth defect. Her constant shivering is just a tick to them. One of her coping ticks for her anxiety. Her shivering is really because her body can't contract heat with what little she has on her body.

As she folds and places her pajamas into a drawer, the front door opens. She takes a deep breath. She continues what she is doing, opening the next box that is full of old tees and athletic shorts. A small knock fills the air.

"Come in," she says, not turning around.

"Mpenzi, can you come downstairs? Your father and I would like to show you something," Mrs. Heron smiles.

"Be there in a sec, Mom. Just let me finish folding this," she responds. She places the shirt in the drawer and heads down the stairs, seeing both of her parents in the living room.

"Cady, we know how anxious you are about your first day tomorrow. But we believe in you and we have something for you," her dad smiles. Her mom covers Cady's eyes, confusing Cady even more. Her dad places a ball of fur into Cady's lap, her mom's hands uncovering her eyes.

Cady lets out a scream of joy. A golden pomeranian puppy sits in her lap, immediately licking Cady's face.

"Well, mpenzi, what are you going to name her?" her mom questions. Cady smiles. "Nala."

\------------------------------

Later that night, Cady's closet is full of brand new clothes, her mom offering since she is basically starting a new life tomorrow. Cady now locks herself in her bathroom, her thoughts overtaking her small frame.

_Pig. Disgusting. Fat. Gross. You should die._

_You should die._

Cady pulls open the small cabinet that hides behind the mirror. She takes out the small box that hides the razor blades she has collected when her parents weren't looking. She takes one out, tears filling her eyes and streaming down her face. She slumps to the floor, her sweatshirt already taken off and near the door. The blade glides across the skin of her forearm. It doesn't hurt her anymore. The pain becoming a numbing feeling that is almost soothing. The tears fall harder, a small sob escaping her lips. She continues until the razor is practically dull, her arms looking like a war zone.

She wipes away her tears, cleaning the newly formed cuts that now line her skin. She wraps them in bandages, knowing that they will have scabbed over by the morning. She silently slips her sweatshirt back on, unlocking the door and unmaking her bed, as if nothing had happened. Nala wags her small tail, staring up at Cady.

A small smile forms on Cady's face, picking up Nala and laying down, setting her alarm for 6:00am. She scrolls through Instagram, later uploading a picture of the sunset back in Kenya. The caption reading, "all you want to do is kiss me, oh what a shame i'm not there". A small knock can be heard from behind the door.

"Come in," she says, looking over at the door. In enters her mom and dad.

"We just wanted to say goodnight," they smile.

"Goodnight, guys. Love you," she smiles fakely. "We love you, Cady. Get some rest." They close the door, leaving Cady alone with Nala and her thoughts.

It's going to be a long day tomorrow.


	2. the top dog wears pink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: bulimia

The sound of her alarm blares the second Cady feels as though she had just fallen asleep. She sits up, attempting to rub the sleep out of her eyes. She pulls her small body out of bed, Nala following her. She opens the back door to let Nala go to the bathroom in the backyard. The typical white-picket suburban house backyard. She lets out a sign, getting a glass of water. She stands and watches Nala run around like an idiot. She calls Nala in, heading back upstairs to start getting ready. She heads to the bathroom, washing her face, although it doesn't make herself feel any cleaner. She sits down at her small vanity, staring at her bright blue eyes, bloodshot from lack of sleep. Her face is sunken in, just skin and bone. She applies a small amount of makeup, stuff that she had only just bought yesterday. The time slips by as she cakes stuff on to her face to try and look a little more alive. She finishes and heads to closet.

The clothes stare at her. A large wave of frigid air blows upon her, her shivering becoming worse. Not only is she just skin and bones, she can't contract heat to save her life. Even in the dead heat, she's still cold. She pulls out a striped sweater and ripped black jeans. She pulls the clothes on to her frail body, unsure of how to feel. She slips on a pair of black boots. She stares at herself in the mirror, letting her auburn curls fall down from her ponytail. She doesn't touch them. She leaves them be. She grabs her floral patterned school bag and heads downstairs.

Her mom is already downstairs, filling up a bright yellow hydro flask with water. Her mom smiles at her, handing her the bottle. "Are you sure that you have everything?"

"Yes, mom. I have all my books and stuff. My phone is already in my pocket," Cady sighs, her anxiety slowly taking over.

Her parents don't believe in medications. Cady just has to "learn to deal with it". Although, to her, a xanax sounds fan-fucking-tastic in that moment. She heads outside, getting in the passenger seat of the car. It's a short drive to Northshore. The large school towers in front of her, causing her to audibly gulp. Her mom pulls her into a large embrace, whispering words of encouragement into her ear.

She walks toward the school, looking ahead of her. She doesn't turn her head toward the audible gasps around her.

"What the fuck is that? The walking dead?" Shane Omen calls out, causing the entire crowd to erupt in laughter.

She blinks back her tears, opening the doors. She walks up to the desk seeing a man, who introduces himself as Principal Duvall. He tries to make small talk with her as they walk to his office, only resulting in silence from Cady. She's uncomfortable. Extremely uncomfortable. They reach his office, a small room in the back of the school.

"So, Cady. You're here from Africa?" he smiles.

"Yes, sir," she answers, keeping her eyes down at her thin legs.

He babbles on and on about how great of a place Northshore is and how he's sure that she will fit right in. He hands her a piece of paper. "This is your schedule. The building is not hard to navigate. I'm sure you will understand it after your first day."

She looks at the paper. A list of classes stares at her, all different teachers. All different rooms. All different people. She takes a deep breath as Mr. Duvall escorts her to her homeroom.

She enters the classroom, immediately all eyes on her. She can feel them stabbing into her. She doesn't look up from the floor.

"Cady, I'm Ms. Norbury," she extends her hand, shaking Cady's hand. "Looks like you're in my AP Calculus class, too."

Cady nods. "I really like math."

Ms. Norbury smiles, starting to converse with Mr. Duvall. Cady walks herself to the back corner of the room, not caring who she's sitting near. Whispers fill the air around her. She distracts herself on her phone until the bell rings. It's going to be a really long day.

\------------------------------

Lunch. Cady can't bare to even walk into the Cafeteria. She slumps down into the corner of the bathroom, partially hidden by a sink. She's alone for a good ten minutes. A girl and a boy walk into the bathroom. Janis Sarkisian and Damian Hubbard. The gay outcasts. Damian lets out a loud gasp, finally noticing Cady.

"Holy fucking shit," Janis exclaims.

Cady lifts her head up, making contact with the gorgeous girl with the two-toned hair. Cady slowly stands up, not knowing what to do.

Damian immediately rushes over. "You must be the new girl. Cady, right? I'm Damian," he smiles.

"And I'm Janis," the girl smirks.

"Um..yeah. I'm Cady. I can leave if you guys want to...uh...spend some time alone," she stutters.

Janis and Damian look at each other and break out into loud laughter. "Oh, Caddie. You've got it all wrong. We're both almost too gay to function," Janis spits out, trying to stop laughing.

Cady only stares at them.

"Come on, new girl. You're coming to lunch with us," Damian giggles, taking Cady by the arm and pulling her along to the Cafeteria.

Cady gulps as they walk in, trying to hide behind Janis, who is at least a good five inches taller than her. They sit down at an empty table, Damian leaving to get food for all of them.

"So, where are you from? It's quite rare we get new people here in Evanston, Illinois," Janis smiles, looking at Cady.

"I'm from Kenya. My parents are research zoologists. I grew up there," Cady says, looking into Janis's deep brown eyes.

"Wait, what? You're from Africa?!" Janis half-yells, Damian sitting down next her, clearly confused.

"Yep, we moved there when I was 3 for a project. And now we're back," Cady says, looking down at her shivering hands.

Janis takes the fries out of Damian's hands, snacking on one. She offers one to Cady with a smile.

"No, thank you. I'm not really hungry," Cady says, trying not to sound as if she is lying right through her teeth.

Janis looks at her, raising an eyebrow. "Girl, you are basically skin and bones. It's not going to kill you."

Cady gulps and takes a couple fries, trying to not disappoint the only people who have been nice to her all day.

The three of them continue on with their conversation, mainly consisting of why Cady moved to Kenya and back. Cady can feel her stomach churning. She can only hope she can keep it down until her next class.

\------------------------------

She sits down at the back desk, taking a deep breath as Ms. Norbury starts the lesson. She already knows this. She raises her hand.

"Yes, Cady?" Ms. Norbury questions.

"May I use the restroom?" Cady asks.

"Sure," Ms. Norbury smiles.

Cady rushes out of the classroom and to the closest bathroom she can find. She quickly locks herself in a stall and shoves her fingers down her throat. She immediately pukes into the toilet, not hearing the pink heels strut into the bathroom. Cady coughs and holds back her sobs. She wipes her mouth with some toilet paper and flushes it down.

She slowly exits the stall, a tall, bleach blonde girl flicking her eyes toward her. The one and only, Regina George. Cady freezes.

"Puking on our first day, are we? You poor home-schooled jungle freak," Regina pouts jokingly. She lets out a laugh. Regina sizes up the small girl in front of her and steps in front of her. "I'm Regina. I run this school. Listen to me, and listen well. You will never be accepted here. And I'll make sure of that."

Cady can only nod, shock and fear running through her blood.

_She's right. You should just end it and make everyone happy._

Now Cady knows what she needs to do when she gets home.

\------------------------------

Cady lets out a sigh of relief as the last bell of the day rings. She gathers her things and walks out of the school. She puts her address into her GPS, since she has no clue where she is going. Tears fill her eyes as she begins to think about what Regina said to her. Her tears cloud her vision, she can barely see straight. She is pulled out of her thoughts when she bumps into someone.

"What the-oh. Hey, Caddie!" Janis smiles.

"Oh. Hi, Janis. I'm sorry I was just in my head," Cady lies.

"No it's okay. Really it is," Janis grins. "Want to walk together?"

"Sure," Cady says looking back at her phone.

Her and Janis walk and talk for what seems like hours. They laugh and smile and for the first time, Cady is genuinely happy. She's not faking it this time.

"Well, this is my stop," Cady giggles.

"You're kidding," Janis says.

"Nope. Why?" Cady questions.

Janis points to the house next door. "Because that's my stop."

"No way," Cady says, her jaw dropping a little.

"Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow. Night, Caddie," Janis smiles.

"Night, Janis," Cady says, heading inside.

She leans against the door. Holy shit.


	3. 3am is a powerful hour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: self-harm

She opens the front door, Nala immediately running into her arms. Cady can't process everything that had just happened that day. Janis, the only girl nice to her all day, lives next door. The queen bee, Regina, already has a personal vendetta against her. Cady heads toward the back door, letting Nala outside to use the bathroom. She sits on the back porch, biting her lip, soon tasting blood. She runs her hands through her hair, letting out a sigh.

She takes Nala back inside, heading upstairs to her room. She places her school bag beside her desk, sitting down. She puts on her playlist, the soft voice Billie Eilish filling her small room. She hums along, pulling out her Calculus homework.

_You will never be accepted here. And I'll make sure of that._

_You should just slit your wrists now. It'll make everyone happy._

She lets out a frustrated groan. She doesn't even notice the tears that have started to stream down her face. She puts her face in her hands and lets out a loud sob. She can't even try to stop herself. All she remembers is being in her desk chair, sobbing loudly like a child. Now she's on her bathroom floor, the razor in her hand. She can't stop herself from making a large cut on her forearm. She lets out a sob, knowing that she has no control. She keeps going, the blood soon hitting the bathroom floor.

She lets out a small scream. "I hate you! Why am I you?!"

The puddle of blood in front of her stares her down, like a parent scolding a child. Cady is numb now. She can't feel anything. She cleans up the puddle, flushing the toilet paper down the toilet to hide the evidence. She cleans her arms, knowing that if they become infected, her secret will be out.

She slips out of the clothes she wore to school, not daring to look down at her body. She slips on a pair of pink sweatpants and a black "Champion" hoodie.

_Champion? You're the opposite. You're pathetic._

She lets out a shaky sigh, her parents arriving home from work. Cady heads downstairs, just wanting to get some more water.

Cady's dad places a pizza box on the dinner table. "Eat up, _mpenzi_."

"No thanks, Dad. I'm not really hungry," Cady says, not looking up to meet his eyes.

" _Mpenzi_ , I know you don't like food all that much, but you really need to eat," her mom says, placing a hand on to Cady's back.

"Mom, I said I'm not hungry!" Cady bursts.

"Cady Lisbet Heron, you will take a slice of pizza and you will like it!" Her dad yells, causing Cady to shiver a little more than normal.

"Fine. Whatever," Cady grumbles, grabbing a small slice and heading back upstairs.

She places the slice on the floor to let Nala eat it. The smell of the pizza causes Cady to want to puke. She immediately lights a candle, the sweet smell of champagne filling the room.

\------------------------------

Cady wakes up with a start, her nightmare still playing in her mind. She sighs, picking up her phone. _3:12am_. She groans, flopping back down on to her pillow. She slowly crawls toward her window seat, the sight of the stars in the sky allowing her to relax just a little. Her blue eyes stare at the sky, the stars allowing her to flashback to Kenya. The clear night skies. The animals sleeping around her. She lets out a small whimper, missing those days in the desert.

A light catches her attention. It's from a room next door. A girl, painting. Janis, painting. Cady watches her, her concentration on her painting allowing her to not notice Cady sitting at the window.

Janis picks her head up a little, allowing Cady's small frame to come into her line of vision. Janis smiles, waving at her. Cady forces a half-smile and waves back. Janis sets down her brush, sitting down at her window sill, motioning for Cady to open her window. Cady opens her window as Janis does the same.

"What are you doing up so late?" Janis asks, smirking a little.

The words leave Cady's mouth, going into a nonverbal state. Fuck. Cady looks down at her hands. She steadies her hands slightly, signing. _"Can you sign?"_

Janis smiles, and starts to sign back. _"Weirdly enough, I can. So, answer my quiestion. What are you doing up so late?"_

_"I can't sleep. What about you? Why are you up?"_

_"My imagination was running wild and I just had to paint."_

A small smile slips on to Cady's face. The girls sign back and forth to each other, talking about nothing and everything at the same time. They talk for what seems like no time at all, until Cady's eyes begin to get heavy. Janis notices once the small girl lets out a yawn.

_"Why don't you get some rest, Caddie? We can talk tomorrow morning. Also, I was wondering if you wanted to walk to school together?"_

_"I would love that. I guess this is goodnight then."_

_"Goodnight, Caddie. Have sweet dreams."_ Janis blows her a kiss, smiling.

Both of the girls close their windows, Cady not noticing the blush that has formed on her cheeks. She checks the time. _4:27am_. Cady soon slips back into a dream-like state, dreaming of Janis and the beauty that only Cady can see.

Little does she know, her feelings about this girl are more than just platonic. Her heart flutters and she smiles in her sleep, dreaming of a better life where she is normal. Where her feelings have taken her to a place that only exists in her mind.

That was the first night Cady had ever slept peacefully.


	4. the rain doesn't always bring a rainbow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: homophobic slurs, detailed sexual assault

Cady wakes up, a smile forming on her face. She shuts off her alarm, pulling her small frame out of her bed. She takes Nala outside, letting her using the bathroom, drinking a glass of water. She spots Janis getting ready in her bedroom, her smile growing bigger. She goes back inside, excited to get ready. She washes her face, the tormenting thoughts forgotten about for a sheer moment of happiness. She applies her makeup, listening to Troye Sivan, singing along. She heads to her closet, deciding to step out of her comfort zone for a day. She picks out a thick maroon sweater, black skater skirt, and thick black thigh high socks. She stares at herself in the mirror. She doesn't look like the Cady she has grown to hate. She looks like a normal girl. Her auburn curls surround her face, her strange reflection staring back at her. She pulls on her pair of black boots, the same she wore the day before.

She grabs her school bag and heads downstairs, still smiling. Her mom turns around, handing her the yellow hydro flask. "Someone is happy today."

"I guess so. I'm walking to school with a friend. Her name is Janis. She lives next door," Cady smiles, grabbing the water bottle.

"That's great, _mpenzi_!" her mother exclaims, pulling her daughter in for a hug.

Cady walks outside, the cool breeze hitting her like a smack in the face. Janis is already waiting for her, a smile on her face.

"Good morning, Caddie. You look really nice," Janis smiles.

"Thanks, Janis. So do you," Cady replies, admiring Janis's beauty. She is dressed in a yellow floral top, a jean jacket on top. Jean shorts with decorative tights line her legs.

"Shall we?" Janis asks, offering Cady her hand.

Cady can only nod. Their journey to school fills the air with giggles and random conversation. Cady's happiness radiating off of her like the sun in the sky.

Janis grabs Cady's phone out of her hand.

"What are you doing?" Cady questions as Janis furiously types on the phone.

"Giving you my number. Here. Give me yours," Janis smirks.

Cady blushes, gently typing her number into Janis's phone.

\------------------------------

The second the girls approach the school, the taunts start. Whispers and giggles fill the air. Janis can only roll her eyes.

"Aw look, the little dykes walked to school together. How cute," Regina giggles. "The space dyke and the walking dead. Two little lesbo freaks."

Janis shoots a death glare at Regina, dragging Cady into the school. Cady can't look up from the ground.

"Are you okay, Caddie? I should have warned you. I'm so sorry," Janis says, pulling Cady into her arms.

"Why did she call you a space dyke?" Cady questions as Janis lets go of her.

"That's a funny story, actually. Regina and I used to be best friends. Until eighth grade. Regina had invited me to her birthday party, which was a pool party. Damian and I were talking outside of homeroom and Regina came up to me, telling me that she had to uninvite me from her birthday party. She thought that I was a dyke and didn't want me to molest the girls at the pool. She then kept asking me over and over again if I was a dyke. In the moment, I didn't know what to say. So I looked her in the eye, and said that I was a space alien with four butts," Janis tells her.

Cady lets out a small giggle, allowing a smile to form on to Janis's face.

Damian meets them outside of Ms. Norbury's room, joining in on their conversation of embarrassing childhood stories. The homeroom bell rings, Janis pulling Cady into homeroom and telling her to next to them.

\------------------------------

Cady's goes on, nothing major happening. Until third period. She is in the restroom, checking out the notifications on her phone. She hears someone walk in, but doesn't look up, thinking that it's just another girl. Until large hands cover her mouth.

Cady looks up, seeing Shane Omen staring down at her, a devilish smirk on his face. Cady's eyes go wide. She tries to scream, but he grips her mouth tighter. He shoves her down to the floor, starting to take off his belt. It's happening all too fast for her. She starts to feel light-headed, as if she could pass out at any moment. Quicker than she can realize, Shane's pants are on the floor. Her head is spinning. And then he is in her mouth.

Cady immediately gags, trying to get herself to puke. She tries to push him off of her. He only pushes further into her mouth, a grin forming on his face. Soon enough, he finishes in her mouth, leaving her to sob on the bathroom floor.

She cannot look at herself in the mirror, knowing that is she does she will want to cut open her arms. She washes out her mouth, her hands shaking more than they ever have before.

\------------------------------

She can't go to lunch. She knows the second she sees Janis she will break down. She takes her stuff and heads to the library. She finds a small bean bag in a hidden corner. She lays down, shaking. Tears stream down her face and she curls into a ball. She can't comprehend what has happened to her. She lays there, tears running down her face, her body shaking. She does not move. She lays there, left alone with her thoughts until lunch is over.

\------------------------------

Janis sits at the lunch table with Damian, her head in her hands.

"Where's Caddie?" Damian asks, food in his hands.

"I have no clue. I checked the bathroom and she wasn't there. I don't know where she could have gone," Janis responds, snacking on a granola bar.

She overhears Shane Omen going on and on about a girl he forced into some head.

But she doesn't put two and two together.

\------------------------------

Drama class. Cady's escape. She has always loved the theatre, even back in Kenya. As she works on her research project, Damian sits down next to her.

"Why weren't you at lunch?" he questions, pulling out his notebook.

"I didn't feel well so I went to the nurse to lay down," she lies, not looking up at him.

"Okay. Oh, hey, by the way. Auditions for Heathers are tomorrow. I really think you should try out, it's a really fun show," he smiles.

"Um...okay. I'm going to need help with the material though," she responds, looking up at him.

"You can come over after school. You can walk with me. Janis has to stay after for art club so it'll just be us," he offers.

"Okay. Sounds great," she smiles.

Her and Damian sit in silence as they both work on their research projects.

\------------------------------

Cady and Damian meet up after last period and start their journey toward his house. He lives closer to the school than her and Janis do. They make small conversation, Damian explaining the plot of Heathers to Cady.

Cady listens, slowly getting more and more interested in the show. As they arrive at Damian's house, they head to the basement. Damian pulls out a red folder, stuffed to the brim with audition material.

"Okay so everyone has to audition with a small portion of Big Fun. And you also need to pick a full song that shows off your vocal talent," Damian explains, pulling out some papers.

Cady nods along, taking the papers and looking over them. Damian starts to play Big Fun, the song filling the large basement. Cady taps her foot along to the beat.

"I like that!" Cady smiles.

"Do you think you know the lyrics?" Damian asks.

"Sort of," Cady responds.

"I'll sing it with you," Damian smiles. He turns on the instrumental track.

"The folks are gone

It's time for big fun!

Big fun!

We're up till dawn

Having some big fun! Big fun!

So let the speakers blow

They'll buy another stereo

Our folks got no clue

'bout all the shit their children do

Why are they surprised?

Whenever we're unsupervised

It's big fun!

Big fun!

Big fun!

Big fun!

Big fun!" They both sing. The track ends.

"Holy shit!" Damian screams. "You're really fucking good!"

"Um, thanks?" Cady laughs.

"Okay I have the perfect song for vocal talent. It's called Requiem. It's from Dear Evan Hansen," he says. He plays her the song, Cady intently listening to the emotional lyrics.

"I love that song. It's perfect. Thank you so much, Damian," she says. "Alright, I have to go. My mom is requesting my presence."

Damian giggles. "I'll see you tomorrow!"

Cady walks out the front door, walking in the direction of her house. She arrives about ten minutes later, Nala attacking her the second she walks into door. Cady lets out a giggle.

"Hey, _mpenzi_. How was school?" her mom questions.

"Hi, Mom. School was pretty good. Damian has convinced me to try out for the school musical. It's called Heathers. It sounds like a really fun show," she smiles.

"That's great, _mpenzi_. I hope everything goes well," her mom says.

"I have a lot of homework. I'm just going to eat a Kälteen bar for dinner," Cady says, grabbing the mean replacement bar.

"Okay, _mpenzi_. Don't stress yourself out too much," her mom responds.

Cady heads upstairs. She goes into the bathroom, immediately stripping of her clothes. She turns on the water for a shower. She breaks the Kälteen bar into small pieces and flushes them down the toilet.

Cady steps into the shower. Immediately letting the water run over her skin. She scrubs and scrubs until her skin is raw and the water is cold. She still doesn't feel clean. She can feel the panic attack coming on. She shuts off the water and gets out. She walks past the mirror, not daring to look at herself. She slips on a pair of sleep shorts and a long sleeve gray shirt, lined with fleece.

She locks the door and lays down, allowing the panic to overcome her. She sobs and shakes, unable to control herself. She continues to sob and hyperventilate until she falls asleep from the exhaustion. Her phone continues to ding, texts from Janis and Damian filling her phone. Messages she won't read until the morning.

Janis can hear her sobbing, worry filling her body. She tries to text her but she just won't answer. She tells Damian, who texts her too. She doesn't answer.

Her new friends want answers. But they won't get the ones that they want.


	5. the voice she can't find

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: homophobic slurs

Cady groans as the sound of her alarm fills the air. She feels as though she has been hit by a bus. But her thoughts hit her harder. It's audition day.

She pulls her frail body out of bed, almost falling over. She heads downstairs, Nala following her. She lets Nala outside, heading back to the kitchen. She takes an orange out of fridge, slowing eating it. She eats only a few times a week and it's always something small. She wants to be thin, not dead.

She lets Nala back inside, heading back upstairs to get ready. It seems to go by in a blur. The next thing she knows, she's standing in front of her closet. She picks out a pair of blue jeans, a black long sleeve shirt, and an army green jacket. She slips the clothing on top of her small frame. She sighs, pulling up half of her hair up into a neat top knot. She pulls on her infamous black boots, grabs her bag, and heads downstairs.

Instead of water, her mom has made her tea to soothe her throat for auditions. Cady smiles at her mom, her mom understanding that today Cady will be nonverbal. It doesn't happen often. Only when she is extremely nervous.

 _"Have a good day, mpenzi,"_ her mom signs.

 _"Thanks, Mom. I love you,"_ Cady signs back.

Cady walks out the front door, seeing Janis standing there, dressed in ripped black jeans, a black "Ramones" tee, and a loose fitting jean jacket.

"Hey, Caddie," Janis smiles.

 _"Hey, Janis,"_ Cady signs.

 _"Are you okay? I heard you crying last night,"_ Janis signs, a worried look washing over her.

 _"Yeah, I'm okay. I just had a rough last night. I couldn't get my audition song right and I got frustrated,"_ Cady signs, trying not to show that she is lying.

_"I was just worried about you. Are you ready for your audition?"_

_"I hope so."_

The girls walk toward the school, signing back and forth. Once the school is in sight, Janis grabs Cady's hand. Janis pulls her quickly into the school before anyone can open their mouth.

The girls stand outside Ms. Norbury's room, signing when Damian walks up.

"Hey guys!" he greets excitedly.

 _"Hey, Damian,"_ Cady signs.

Damian looks confused. "What?"

Janis turns to him. "She's not speaking. She's signing."

"You're still auditioning, right?" he asks.

Cady nods and Damian sighs of relief as the homeroom bell rings.

\------------------------------

The sound of Requiem fills Cady's ears for the billionth time. Her nerves have been traveling through her veins all day. She knows a girl has been following her all day, identified as Gretchen Wieners by Janis at lunch.

It's sixth period and all Cady is trying to do is listen to her history lesson, but Gretchen is breathing down her neck. Cady excuses herself to the restroom, needing to take a breath. Gretchen obviously follows her. The second her heels click on to the bathroom floor, rage fills Cady's veins.

"Can you seriously fuck off Gretchen? I know you're too busy up Regina's fucking ass to give a shit but you're really fucking annoying and I'm ready to rip those stupid fucking extensions out," Cady growls.

Gretchen doesn't know what to say. She immediately scurries back to class, still unsure of what just happened.

Cady takes a deep breath. Jesus fucking Christ.

\------------------------------

Drama class. Normally Cady is happy to be there, but today her nerves are just too much.

"Hey, Caddie, do you want to go to the choir room with me to practice for auditions? It's empty, I promise," Damian smiles.

Cady only nods.

They walk down the hall to the small room. Damian was right. Not a soul was to be found in that room. Damian goes first, singing Big Fun and then his personal choice, I Believe from The Book of Mormon.

Then it's Cady's turn. She gets both songs perfect. She looks up at Damian for any comments.

"Perfect, Caddie. Just put a little bit more emotion in Requiem. That is a very powerful and emotional song in that show," Damian says.

Cady nods. They head back to the drama room, both of them humming Big Fun. She feels better, but her nerves are still in the back of her mind.

\------------------------------

Cady and Damian stand outside of the choir room, the last two to audition. Cady tried to hold in her nerves, but they escape last second. Cady starts to have a panic attack right in front of Damian. She's sobbing and freaking the fuck out. And, frankly, Damian has no fucking clue what to do.

But somehow, he figures it out. He holds Cady in his arms, whispering encouragingly calming words to her. He gets her to calm down. Well, somewhat.

"Caddie, I need you to take a few deep breaths. I'll do it with you," Damian tells her.

Cady nods, taking some deep breaths with him, eventually calming down. "Thanks, Damian."

"No problem, Caddie. Now let's go knock their socks off."

\------------------------------

Damian goes first, nailing both songs. He sounds amazing.

Now it's Cady's turn. She nails Big Fun, her nerves slowly escaping her body.

"What is going to be your personal song?" the director, Mr. Stephan, asks.

"Requiem from Dear Evan Hansen," Cady responds.

"I love that song. Well, the floor is all yours," Mr. Stephan says.

Cady takes a deep breath. "Why should I play this game of pretend?

Remembering through a secondhand sorrow

Such a great son and wonderful friend

Oh, don't the tears just pour?

I could curl up and hide in my room

There in my bed still sobbing tomorrow

I could give in to all of the gloom

But tell me, tell me what for

Why should I have a heavy heart?

Why should I start to break in pieces?

Why should I go and fall apart for you?

Why should I play the grieving girl and

Lie saying that I miss you

And that my world has gone dark without your light?

I will sing no requiem tonight

I gave you the world, you threw it away

Leaving these broken pieces behind you

Everything wasted, nothing to say

So I can sing no requiem

I hear your voice and feel you near

Within these words. I finally find you

And now that I know that you are still here

I will sing no requiem tonight

Why should I have a heavy heart?

Why should I say I'll keep you with me?

Why should I go a fall apart for you?

Why should I play the grieving girl and

Lie saying that I miss you

And that my world has gone dark without your light?

I will sing no requiem tonight

'Cause when the villains fall, the kingdoms never weep

No one lights a candle to remember

No, no one mourns at all when they lay them to sleep

So don't tell me that I didn't have it right

Don't tell me that it wasn't black and white

After all you've put me through, don't say it wasn't true

That you were not the monster that I knew

'Cause I cannot play the grieving girl and lie

Saying that I miss you and that my world has gone dark

I will sing no requiem

I will sing no requiem

I will sing no requiem tonight," Cady finishes, not realizing that there are tears running down her face.

"Wow. Amazing job, guys. Call backs will be emailed to everyone tonight. If you don't get a call back, you can still be cast. Call backs are for the lead roles. Hope you guys have a good night," Mr. Stephan smiles.

\------------------------------

Cady walks home alone, her nerves finally at ease. Until a white, convertible BMW pulls up beside her.

"Hey, jungle freak. Where's your space dyke of a girlfriend?" Regina taunts.

Cady won't give in. She completely ignores her.

"Gretchen told me what you did. Who knew the little lesbo jungle freak could stand up for herself, especially after what happened with Shane," she fake pouts.

Cady gulps, still attempting to ignore her.

The car slams on its brakes. Regina stomps out, pushing Cady down to the hard concrete.

"Listen here, you little dyke. I will ruin you. I can and will ruin your life at Northshore. You are not safe. Not from me. Not from anyone. Not even your little space dyke of a fucking girlfriend," Regina spits. She kicks Cady in the back, leaving her in pain on the sidewalk.

Cady stands up, tears running down her face. She limps all the way the home, trying not to break down.

\------------------------------

Cady sits at her desk, playing around on her computer when it dings.

The call back list.

Her anxiety rises through the roof.

She clicks on the notification.

Call backs for Veronica Sawyer.

And the first name listed,

is Cady Heron.


	6. the universe takes its time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: self-harm, flashbacks of sexual assault

She stares up at her ceiling, the trauma replaying in her mind.

Him inside of her mouth. No one could hear her struggle. He got off on her pain. And Regina planned it all. It pleased Regina. And Cady knew this.

Cady pulls herself out of bed, locking herself in the bathroom. She opens the hidden cabinet, pulling out the all too familiar box. The razor glistens under the bathroom light as it glides along her skin. It doesn't hurt her. She watches as the blood flows.

She feels as though she has been sitting there for a year. In reality, it's been about an hour. An hour of her slicing away at her arms. She pulls herself off of the floor, absentmindedly washing off her arms. She doesn't have enough care to bandage them. She leaves her sleeves up, allowing these new wounds to breathe.

She can't seem to breathe. It's not her anxiety. It's not a panic attack. There's no air flowing through her room. She pulls open her windows, welcoming the breeze. She opens up her laptop to look at her call back material. She rehearses her lines, a small conversation between Veronica and JD.

She looks over the two songs provided. Dead Girl Walking and Seventeen. The accompaniment track to Dead Girl Walking slowly filling her ears.

\------------------------------

As Cady sings, Janis pokes her head out of her window. She's in awe of Cady. Her beauty. The way her auburn curls fall around her face. The way her blue eyes sparkle. The way she moves her body in rhythm with the song.

Janis's face flushes, knowing how sexual that song is. Before she can even process her own thoughts, she's climbing into the tree that, ironically enough, creates a path between her and Cady's rooms. She watches her, slowly realizing how hard she is falling for this girl.

\------------------------------

As Cady finishes the song, she plops down on to the floor.

"That was really good," a familiar voice comments.

Cady lets out a scream before realizing that it is only Janis. She immediately pulls her sleeves down, not realizing that Janis caught a glimpse of the lines that cover her arms.

Janis is confused, not catching a good enough look, but decides against saying something about them.

"I thought you heard me, I'm sorry. Can I come in?" Janis giggles.

"Yeah sure. And no, I didn't. I was too busy singing about fucking a murderer," Cady smiles.

Janis rolls her eyes, sitting down on the floor in front of Cady. "You do sound amazing, though. I didn't realize you had the pipes."

"Damian didn't tell you? He was practically shitting his pants the first time he heard me," Cady blushes.

"He might have mentioned it. I usually tune him out when he's talking about theatre and stuff. He did tell me that you got a call back for Veronica, which is fucking awesome. She's the lead, right?" Janis asks.

"You would be correct," Cady smiles.

\------------------------------

They talk for hours, about nonsense, really. Janis causing Cady to laugh and giggle and smile for those hours.

"Hey, Janis?" Cady starts.

"Yeah, Caddie?" Janis answers.

"Can you rehearse a song with me? I need to know both but this one is a duet," Cady explains.

"Sure, Caddie. Which one is it?" Janis responds.

"Seventeen," Cady smiles.

"You're lucky I actually know that one," Janis laughs as Cady starts the accompaniment track.

Cady immediately embodies the role in front of Janis, pouring her emotion into the lyrics and the way her body moves. Janis surprises Cady with her vocal ability. They sing to each other, getting closer and closer. As the end nears, Janis pulls Cady into her arms. Their lips are centimeters apart. They sing the last lines, Janis moving closer to close the gap.

And then there's a knock on the door.

Cady pushes Janis into the closet and shuts the door, just in time before her mom walks into her room.

" _Mpenzi_ , are you sure you're going to be okay? Your father and I will be gone for two weeks," her mom says, putting her hand on Cady's shoulder.

"I'm sure, Mom. I'll be okay. You guys deserve to have some time alone," Cady smiles, pulling her mom in for a hug.

"You know your father and I are only a call away. We love you, _mpenzi_ ," her mom says, hugging Cady tightly.

Her mom leaves her room, the front door shutting soon after. Cady opens up the closet door, letting Janis out.

Janis lets out a little laugh, jumping on to Cady's bed. Cady rolls her eyes and joins Janis, continuing their conversation.

\------------------------------

The sun sets, the stars soon coming out after.

"I better get going, it's kind of late," Janis says, pulling Cady in for a hug.

"You're right. Have a good night, Janis," Cady smiles.

Janis shoots her a smile and climbs back to her bedroom.

Cady's heart flutters. She's falling. Hard. She lays down in her bed, turning on her laptop, logging in to Netflix. She clicks on The Office, trying to block out the demons inside of her.

_End it. You're disgusting. You'll never be clean. You're revolting. Janis would never want you. She would never want someone as disgusting as you._

Cady slams her windows shut, letting out a scream. She rips the razor out of the box, slicing into her arm. She cuts deeper than before. Blood pours out her arms. She doesn't stop. Not until she becomes dizzy, soon passing out.

She lays in a pool of her own blood, the razor still in her hand.


	7. the space dyke has feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: internalized homophobia, homophobic slurs

Cady's eyes slowly flutter open, her body completely frozen. She looks around her, seeing the pools of blood. She lets out a groan, slowly pulling herself off the floor. She cleans up the floor, slowly stripping herself of her blood covered clothes. She turns on the water for a shower, staring at her bare body in the mirror.

_You're disgusting. No one would want you. Especially not Janis._

Tears fill her eyes as she pulls herself into the shower, the hot water running over her wounded skin. She attempts to clean herself, although the overbearing feeling of still being dirty fills her. As she ends her shower, she can't bear to look at herself in the mirror. She closes her curtains, pulling out a pair of pajamas. A pair of camo sweatpants and a black long sleeve shirt. She opens her curtains and windows, letting out a sigh as she stares at the stars. How she wishes she could just let everything go and be one of the them.

She can't stop thinking about what happened with Janis. She wanted to kiss Janis. She wants to be with her. As more than a friend. But Cady doesn't understand this. She barely understands herself, let alone what she's feeling for Janis. She wonders what would have happened if her mom hadn't knocked on the door.

She spends the night working on her call back material, her anxiety working harder than normal. Her hands shake more than normal as she sings these songs over and over. Her thoughts abnormally silent as she stares at herself in the mirror in the middle of the night. Every little flaw inside of her is working harder than usual to stand out, and it all scares Cady more than she will ever know.

\------------------------------

Cady wakes to the blaring sound of her alarm. She finds herself on her bedroom floor, surrounded by her call back material. She lets out a loud groan, pulling herself up. She heads downstairs, letting Nala out as she normally does. She makes herself some tea, watching Nala chase after a leaf that blows around in the wind. Nala follows Cady inside as she heads inside.

Cady gets ready for school as she normally does, except there's one thing different. The tightness in her chest. She stares at herself in the mirror as she tries to put her makeup on. But her hands won't do what she wants them to. She sinks down to the floor, an unexpected panic attacks hitting her like a bus. She sobs harder and harder each time, slowly starting to hyperventilate. Everything inside of her hurts.

She slowly gets the tears to stop, but her thoughts don't.

_You're so pathetic. Regina is right. No one wants you here. You should make everyone happy and just stop._

She gets ready for school, every ounce of her body shaking harder than normal. She lets her hair down as she stares at the outfit she has picked out. A thin gray sweater that barely covers her midriff, high-waisted black leggings, and her black boots. She lets out a sigh, truly not giving a shit.

\------------------------------

Janis and Damian stand outside of Cady's house as Cady walks outside. Cady smiles and waves at them.

"Good morning, Caddie. Are you ready for call backs?" Damian asks, wrapping his arm around her.

"I hope so," Cady sighs.

The air is filled with small, quiet conversations. It's almost as if Cady has lost all of her social skills. She can barely hold a conversation without wanting to run and hide. It's going to be a long day.

\------------------------------

Janis sneaks up behind Cady after fourth period, Cady letting out a small scream when Janis jumps on her.

"Hey, Caddie! Damian wants to skip lunch and hang in the choir room to practice. You in?" Janis asks, smiling at Cady.

Cady shivers harder. "Y-yeah. Sounds great."

"Dude, you're freezing. Here," Janis says, taking off her jacket.

"No, Janis. I'm okay it's fine," Cady argues. But Janis has already wrapped her jacket around Cady.

"Nope. You're literally like ice and I don't think that's good. So, wear it," Janis smiles.

Cady's face flushes, slowly putting the jean jacket that is covered in patches and paint splatters on her small body.

\------------------------------

As Cady practices her material, Janis watches her in awe. But Damian is watching Janis as she practically drools over Cady. He plops down next to her.

"Nice drool, you art freak," Damian whispers, trying to hold back a giggle.

"Oh shut up," Janis whispers back.

"Admit it. You like her," Damian smiles.

"And if I do?" Janis questions.

"You act like I would tell her. Not my place and I'm not getting into the middle of your relationship. I'm already in with Aaron," Damian smiles.

"Wait, Aaron as in Aaron Samuels?" Janis smirks.

"Yes but that is not the topic right now. Spill your guts," Damian glares.

"Fine! I like her, okay? Now, can you please keep your mouth shut?" Janis rolls her eyes, pushing Damian.

"Okay, okay damn. Calm your tits," Damian chuckles.

They both turn back and watch Cady, in awe of her talent.

\------------------------------

Cady and Damian meet up after school for their call backs. Damian got a call back for Ram Sweeney. They both help each other with their material, Cady's nerves slowly building. She takes a few deep breaths as Damian tells her to. He could see her nerves slowly taking over and he couldn't let that happen.

And now, it's her time. She grips on to Janis's jacket harder as she walks into the room.

\------------------------------

There's already a boy in there when she walks into her call back.

"Hi, Cady. This is Aaron Samuels. He will be auditioning for JD. He's going to run your audition with you to show chemistry," Mr. Stephan smiles.

Cady smiles and nods, shaking Aaron's hand.

It felt as though no time went by. She had sang both songs and ran the scene with Aaron. Before she knew it, her call back was over.

"Great job, Cady. The cast list will be posted tomorrow morning, outside of the choir room," Mr. Stephan smiles.

"Thank you," Cady smiles, walking out and sending Damian in.

\------------------------------

Janis is at home, having a complete breakdown. She doesn't understand how she could fall for a girl like Cady. She has always pushed away her sexuality, the fear of having to accept it scaring her more than anything.

_You're the reason your dad left. He wouldn't want a dyke of a daughter. Cady won't want to be with you. Stupid fucking space dyke. No one wants to be friends with the space dyke. Space dyke. Space dyke. Space dyke._

Janis lets out a small sob, letting her thoughts control her. Her phone starts going off like crazy. Texts from Cady.

_My call back went great!_

_Want to come over?_

_I'm really bored._

But Janis lets her thoughts control her. She shuts off her phone, curling up in her bed, small sobs escaping her every once in a while.

A small knock comes from the other side of her door.

She quickly wipes away her tears, "Come in."

The door opens, revealing her 11 year old sister, Holly. "I heard you crying. Can I help, Janie?"

Janis doesn't say anything, only nodding her head. Holly closes the door behind her as she walks into Janis's room. She climbs into Janis's bed, wrapping her small arms around Janis. Janis lets out her tears, hugging her little sister.

"What's wrong, Janie?" Holly asks.

Janis wants to answer, but she can't. Her thoughts take her over, making sure her mouth stays shut. And it does. Whether Janis likes it or not.


	8. it's all fun and games until someone gets hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: homophobic slurs

Cady wakes up the sound of her alarm and automatically rushes to the bathroom. The burning sensation in her throat slowly turns into her retching into the toilet. She lets out a large groan, quickly cleaning herself up. She takes her temperature, worrying that she might be sick. _101.5_. Great. She washes her face with some cold water and starts her normal morning routine. She makes herself some tea, watching Nala use the bathroom.

She decides against wearing makeup, as she is already running late. She pulls on some black leggings, an oversized blue tye-dye with Stitch in the corner, and a pair of black high top Converse. She grabs her bag and heads downstairs, knowing that Janis is probably already waiting for her.

To her surprise, both Janis and Damian are waiting for her. Damian is itching to leave, knowing the cast list for Heathers has been posted.

"Good morning, Caddie. What took you so long?" Janis questions.

"I woke up late. I didn't want to get out of bed," Cady lies, smiling a little, trying to play it off.

Damian practically drags both girls to school, rambling about the cast list. Janis and Cady laugh the whole way there, purposefully walking slow to piss Damian off.

The second they arrive to school, Damian runs to the choir room, pulling Cady along behind them. Damian pushes through the groups of people that stand in his way, determined to get to that cast list.

The second they get to the choir room, Damian rushes up to the cast list. He lets out a small scream of excitement. Cady walks up behind him, sneaking a peak.

Veronica Sawyer.

And the name directly across from it.

Is Cady Heron.

Cady lets out a scream, "Holy shit! I'm Veronica!"

"Oh my fuck, that's amazing, Caddie!" Janis yells, picking Cady up and spinning her around. Cady lets out a laugh.

"I'm fucking Ram Sweeney let's go my dudes," Damian laughs, pulling both girls in for a hug.

All three of them walk to homeroom, compliments and a slew of congratulations following Cady and Damian. The first time that Cady has ever felt like she belonged somewhere. Like people could actually tolerate her.

And she has never been happier.

\------------------------------

Cady's day goes on, happiness radiating off of her. Everyone around her congratulates her on her role, a smile permanently on her face for the whole day.

Until she gets to lunch. Her fever finally caught up to her, and she was paler than normal as she met up with Janis and Damian.

"Caddie, no offense, but you look like shit," Janis says, looking Cady up and down.

"I just have a headache, that's all," Cady responds, looking down.

Janis places her forearm to Cady's forehead. "Jesus fucking Christ, Caddie you're burning up! Alright, I'm taking you to the nurse, and you're going home," Janis exclaims.

Cady groans as Janis pulls her to the nurse's office, knowing that she's going to be spending the day alone.

\------------------------------

Sure enough, the nurse sends Cady home, allowing Janis to take her home. Janis holds Cady's hand on the way to her house, making small conversation.

"Why didn't you say that you were sick this morning?" Janis asks, rubbing her thumb along Cady's knuckles.

"I didn't want to worry anyone and I really wanted to see the cast list," Cady responds, looking down at the pavement.

They reach Cady's house, Janis unlocking the door with Cady's key. Janis wraps Cady up on the couch, turning on a movie for her to watch. Cady's eyes haven't lifted up from the floor.

Janis kneels in front of Cady, meeting her eye line. "Please text me if you need anything. Get some rest, Caddie. I'll send Damian by later to bring you the work you missed and to check on you," Janis smiles. She pulls Cady in for a hug, leaving a soft kiss on the top of her head.

Janis leaves Cady on the couch, snuggled up in a black Vera Bradley blanket. Cady falls asleep as Lilo & Stitch plays on the TV.

\------------------------------

Cady wakes up to the sound of someone pounding on the door. She expects it to be Janis or Damian, but a wave of shock rides over her as she opens the door to see Regina standing there.

Regina immediately stomps into the house, pushing Cady down to the ground. "You little fucking jungle freak! What the fuck is wrong with you? Trying to get everyone on your side? I think the fuck not, you stupid fucking dyke!" Regina screams, as she kicks and punches Cady.

Cady cries out as Regina's pink heels dig into her skin. Regina continues to beat the shit out of Cady as she lies on the ground in pain. She only stops when Cady retches all over her shoes.

Regina lets out an animalistic scream, sending Nala running towards Cady. "You're going to pay for this, you fucking dyke!"

Regina slams the door behind her, leaving Cady doubled over, sobbing in pain. Nala tries to lick Cady's tears away, but they won't stop streaming down her face.

Cady eventually pulls herself off the floor, heading into the bathroom next to the kitchen. Regina split open her lip and lined her body in bruises. She rolls up her sleeves to see some of her cuts re-opened. She lets out a frustrated sigh, cleaning them and bandaging them.

Once she's done, she heads back to the couch, wrapping herself back up in her blanket, and turning on Moana.

\------------------------------

Damian knocks on the front door of Cady's house, the pile of work she missed in his hands. She opens the door, letting out a small sigh of relief.

"Hey, Damian," she smiles, inviting him inside.

"What happened to your lip?" he questions, placing her work on the kitchen table.

"Oh, um...Nala jumped up on the couch with me and accidently scratched me," Cady lies, looking down at her hands.

"Who?" he asks.

"Nala, my puppy," Cady smiles, hearing her trot down the stairs. Nala greets Damian, sniffing him. She lets him pet her and goes back over to Cady.

"Aw, she's so cute. Well, I brought you the work you missed. And Stephan sent your script and song book. He said to start looking over them," Damian smiles, going through the pile of papers.

"Thanks, Damian," she smiles.

"I also brought over some supplies. A couple things of soup, crackers, and ibuprofen. It should help break the fever," he says, handing her a bag.

"Damian, you didn't have to do that," Cady says.

"I know. But we have practice tomorrow and you need to be there," he explains. He then checks her temperature. "You're still a little warm but you seem better than earlier, so that's good."

Cady lets out a giggle, thanking him again. They chat for a little bit and then Damian leaves to fulfill his babysitting duties. Cady lets out a small sigh, wondering what her future holds and what Regina will do to try and ruin it all.

\------------------------------

Cady sits at her desk, working on the work that she missed. Time seems to go by extremely quick, until her phone starts going off like crazy.

Texts from an unknown number.

 _You're going to regret ever_ _showing up at Northshore._

_I'll make sure of it._

_Everyone is going to hate you._

_Fucking jungle freak._

_I'm going to make your life a living hell._


	9. just make me yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: explicit smut, internalized homophobia

Rage fills Cady's veins as she tries to comprehend her situation. She's sick of all of it. All of the shit with Regina. But she can't just stand up to Regina. She will tear her down and make her the laughing stock of the school.

Before she can even think, she texts Janis.

_Come over. NOW. It's urgent._

She paces around her room, trying to process everything that is going on. She's pulled out of her thoughts by a small knock on the window.

Janis.

Cady opens her window, immediately pulling Janis into her room.

"Cady, what is so urgent? Are you okay?" Janis asks.

"I'm fine. But I need you to do me a favor. And it's going to sound fucking insane," Cady gulps.

"Try me," Janis smirks.

"I need you to fuck me. I'm fucking hot and pissed and I need you, Janis," Cady confesses, looking down at the floor.

"May I ask why?" Janis smirks, slowly biting her lip.

"Regina fucking George is going to make my life a living hell and I can't take it. I need to let it out somehow without ripping her into shreds," Cady growls.

"While I'm not totally against ripping Regina George into shreds, this works too," Janis smiles, pulling Cady into her arms.

Janis presses her lips against Cady's, holding her close. Cady grips Janis's shoulders, their lips passionately moving as one. Janis bites Cady's lip as a way of asking for an entrance. Cady nods slightly, allowing Janis to slip her tongue into her mouth. They both fight for dominance, Janis eventually winning. Janis grips Cady's hair, earning a small moan from Cady.

Janis grips the hem of Cady's hoodie, Cady slowly lifting up her arms. Janis pulls her hoodie off of her and goes to slide the leggings off of Cady. A flush covers Cady's face as Janis kneels before her, sliding the leggings off of Cady's thin legs. As Janis stands up, Cady keeps her head down.

Janis allows herself to look over the scars that line her body. Janis bites her lip, trying not to cry over her new discovery. She absentmindedly runs her finger tips over them, Cady keeping her head down.

"I know, they're disgusting," Cady whispers.

Janis lifts Cady's head up by her chin. "Caddie, you're beautiful. These are not ugly. These are your battle scars. You're absolutely gorgeous, Caddie. You are so much stronger than I ever will be and I am in awe of you," Janis whispers. Janis places kisses up and down Cady's arms, allowing chills to run along her body.

Cady looks up at Janis, slowly closing the gap between them once again. Cady kisses Janis as she slowly strips Janis of her clothes. Janis stands in front of Cady, left in her bra and underwear. Cady looks up at Janis in awe of her beauty.

Janis lets out a small growl, wrapping her arms around Cady. "Jump," she whispers. Cady jumps and wraps her legs around Janis's waist. Janis roughly kisses Cady, laying her down on her bed. Janis kneels between Cady's legs, biting her lip. "Is this okay, Caddie? Are you sure about this?"

"Absolutely," Cady smiles.

Janis unclips Cady's bra, leaving her in only her underwear. "God, you're so fucking beautiful," Janis growls. She kisses Cady from her chest down to her waist, right at the waistband of her panties. Janis bites her lip, slowly pulling them down and flinging them with the rest of their clothes. "Already wet for me, huh?"

Cady bites her lip, only nodding.

"I'm going to go slow, okay?" Janis says, a small smile forming on her face.

Cady nods, biting her lip even harder.

Janis smiles, sinking her tongue into Cady's wetness. Cady lets out a loud gasp, immediately gripping her sheets. As Janis flicks her tongue along Cady's center, Cady lets out a loud moan, tangling her fingers into Janis's hair.

Janis lifts her head up, "This might hurt, okay? Let me know if it's too much."

Janis sinks a finger into Cady, biting her lip as she watches Cady. Cady lets out an extremely loud moan, pulling on Janis's hair harder. Janis continues to sink her finger into Cady over and over, slowing adding another.

Cady's breath hitches, slowly letting out a small scream as she releases on to Janis's fingers.

Janis lets out a small hum of satisfaction, moving back to kiss Cady once more. Cady slumps into Janis's arms, every ounce of energy leaving her body. Janis smiles, holding Cady close.

"Guess what?" Cady smiles, her eyes closed.

"What?" Janis smirks.

"You were my first," she giggles.

Janis smiles, "Get some rest now, Caddie."

Cady soons drifts into a deep sleep, dreaming of Janis and what they had just done.

\------------------------------

Janis lies awake as Cady sleeps in her arms. She can't believe what just happened.

_She was only desperate. She doesn't want you. You're a disappointment to your family. No one wants a dyke of a daughter. You need to be straight. You can't be a dyke. You can't be the fucking space dyke._

She slowly slips out of Cady's arms, quickly getting dressed. She climbs out of the window, closing it behind her. She climbs back into her room, letting out a shaky sigh. She can't believe what she just did.

She pulls out her phone. _2:10am_. She does what she never thought she would do. And she's sure she'll regret it.

_Hey, Kevin. It's Janis. We met at Spring Fling last year. I wondering if you wanted to go out sometime._

\------------------------------

Cady wakes up with a gasp, her nightmare still replaying in her head. Shane. The bathroom. No one there to save her.

"Janis?" she calls out for the girl she has just given her virginity to. She gets up and checks the bathroom. She's not there. She checks the entire house and the girl is nowhere to be seen. She puts on some sweatpants and her hoodie, not sure of what to do.

_Janis just wanted a fuck. She doesn't actually care about you._

Cady's eyes fill with tears as she tries to call Janis, but she doesn't answer. She tries again and again. But there's no answer.

The rest of her night is spent with sobs and panic attacks, questioning what just happened and what is going to happen.

She thought that Janis actually cared. But maybe she was wrong.


	10. heartbreak hurts more than a knife

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: N/A

Cady's already awake when her alarm goes off. She didn't sleep an ounce the night before. She couldn't stop thinking about Janis. About what they did. Why she left. Why she wouldn't answer her calls. Why she left her all alone.

Her morning routine goes by in a blur. Before she knows it, she's standing in front of the mirror, dressed in a pink sweater, black skirt, and black vans. She takes a deep breath, staring at her small frame. Janis had seen her scars. She takes a shaky breath, slipping on Janis's jacket.

She grabs an apple as she leaves, closing the door behind her. A confused look flashes across her face as only Damian stands in front of her.

"Where's Janis?" Cady asks, taking a bite of her apple.

"I was just going to ask you the same question," Damian sighs. "I already tried knocking, but her mom said that she already left."

Cady and Damian make small talk about Heathers, Cady trying to distract herself from the thoughts running through her mind.

_Janis doesn't want to see you. She regrets what she did last night. She's embarrassed by you._

\------------------------------

Cady and Damian walk into school, still talking about Heathers. And then she sees it. Janis making out with Kevin from her Calculus class. Cady's jaw drops, as does Damian's. Cady starts to shake, unsure of how to react.

Before Damian knows what to do, Cady lets out a loud sob. She's on the floor, starting to have a breakdown. He grabs her, pulling her into the bathroom. He sinks to the floor with her, holding her as she sobs.

"What...how...why..." Cady trails off.

"I know, Caddie. I know. She's told me she was gay since the end of eighth grade. I don't know," Damian says, brushing Cady's hair out of her face.

"Damian, I need to tell you something," Cady sobs.

"Caddie, you can tell me anything, And no, I won't tell Janis," he says.

"I...I think I'm in love with Janis," Cady whispers, attempting to wipe away her tears. "A-and she came over last night...and um...we kind of...had sex."

"You what? Oh, Caddie," he says, pulling Cady closer to him.

Cady soon calms down, some stray tears still streaming down her face. They leave the bathroom, walking towards Ms. Norbury's classroom.

Janis is standing there, alone. Rage fills Damian and Cady can't stop him from stomping up to her.

"What the fuck, Janis? After everything we have talked about, this is what you go and do?" he shouts.

"Damian, listen," Janis says.

"No. You don't get to do that. First, you get me to help you understand your fucking feelings for someone and then you go and make out with Kevin? That's the thanks I get? I've been your best friend since eighth grade, Janis. Eighth fucking grade. I stuck with you after Regina kicked you out of The Plastics. I've helped you through everything," Damian yells, tears building up in his eyes.

Janis is silent, not knowing what to say.

"Damian, I want to talk to her," Cady says.

He can only nod.

"Caddie," Janis starts.

"No. I gave you everything I had. I gave you me. And you don't even have the audacity to even say anything about leaving? I was alone Janis. I thought I could trust you. I thought you actually cared about me!" Cady yells, drawing the attention of other people around them.

"Caddie, it was a mistake. It was an impulsive decision," Janis says, looking down at the ground.

And before Cady can stop herself, she smacks Janis across the face. She shocks herself, but can't let Janis see that.

"Caddie," Janis says.

"No. Save it," she spits, throwing Janis's jacket on the ground.

Damian grabs Cady and they walk into homeroom, leaving Janis standing in the middle of the hall, trying to process what had just happened.

\------------------------------

Cady's day consists of Damian having to pull her out of class as she breaks down into tears, having to process what happened that morning. They spend lunch in the library, knowing that Cady can't even bare to spare a look at Janis without bursting into tears.

But all of that fades away when the last bell of the day rings. Damian meets her outside of her last class, walking to the auditorium.

Everyone opens their scripts and then the music to Beautiful starts to play.

\------------------------------

Janis sneaks into the auditorium as Cady's voice fills the entire room. Janis's eyes fills with tears as she realizes what she has done. She let go of her rock. The girl she's fallen for. She let go of her lifeline. Tears stream down her face as she watches Cady. She looks so happy there. Up on stage.

The image of Cady's scars fill her mid, only making the tears fall harder. How can such a girl who seems so perfect be so broken?


	11. it all catches up at some point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: N/A

**One Month Later**

After their two weeks in Madison, Cady's parents had to go back to Kenya for an emergency research project. Cady asked to stay in Evanston, not wanting to be home schooled again. Damian has been spending nights at Cady's house, as per her request. She didn't want to be alone.

It's been a month since Damian and Cady have even talked to Janis. Cady still breaks down at the mere thought of her. Cady hasn't slept in her own room for a month because she's scared of looking out of her window and seeing Janis.

Damian is more worried than ever before. Not only has Cady not gotten over Janis, she's getting skinnier. He never sees her eat. He listens when she locks herself in the bathroom and cries until she can't breathe. He's worried about his best friend. He obviously misses Janis but can't bare the thought of even looking at her, let alone talking to her.

Damian and Cady sit on the couch, watching a bootleg of the original off-Broadway production of Heathers. Cady lays her head on Damian's shoulder, letting out a sigh.

"Damian, can we talk?" Cady asks softly.

"Sure, Cads," he smiles.

"I really need to talk to you about it," she sighs, looking down at her shaking hands.

"You can tell me anything, Caddie," Damian says, putting his arm around her.

Cady lets out a soft sob, rolling up her sleeves. "I didn't know how to tell you."

Damian gasps. "Caddie...when did this start?"

"Before I moved here. I've always hated myself and now that she's gone it's getting worse," Cady sobs, putting her face in her hands.

Damian doesn't know what to say. He holds Cady close to him as she sobs and shakes against him.

\------------------------------

The day before Winter Break, Cady and Damian head to Heathers practice. Today is the day they learn the dance for Big Fun. Cady and Damian make small talk as the rest of the cast files into the auditorium.

Mr. Stephan starts practice, teaching the choreography with ease. Cady and Damian get it down pretty quickly, having fun. Cady starts to feel dizzy, but shakes it off, trying to pay attention.

Mr. Stephan finishes teaching the dance, watching the cast follow his movements. The last thing she remembers is having fun, dancing, and then it all goes black.

It's almost like slow-motion, Damian watching her fall. He immediately rushes up to her, finding her passed out. Mr. Stephan immediately calls an ambulance. Damian is on the verge of a panic attack. He picks her up, rushing her out the back door to meet the paramedics.

Too many thoughts are running through his head. He just hopes she's okay. He needs her to be okay. He can't lose another best friend.

\------------------------------

Cady wakes up in a hospital bed, the bright lights blinding her. She lets out a loud groan. She feels someone holding her hand, looking over to her side. There sits Damian, his tear-stained face staring at her.

"Thank God, Caddie, you're okay!" Damian yells, pulling her into a hug.

Cady lets out a small yelp.

"Sorry, Caddie," Damian says, letting go of her.

"I-it's okay," she says hoarsely. "Did they tell you?"

"Yeah. I know about your eating disorder, Caddie. Why didn't you tell me?" Damian says, gripping her hand.

"You don't hate me?" Cady asks, tears streaming down her face.

"Of course not, Caddie. I just wish you would have said something. I would have helped you," Damian says.

Damian explains to Cady how she now has to stay in the psych ward for Winter Break under supervision. Cady can only nod, not willing to put up a fight.

Cady just wants to be normal.

\------------------------------

Damian stayed with her for a week, until he had to leave for California. Damian's family goes to California every Christmas. It's currently Christmas Day and Cady is stuck, alone in the hospital. Her parents couldn't get a flight back from Kenya in time to see her.

Cady softly sings the tracks from Heathers, until a small knock comes from the doorway. She lifts her head up, Janis coming into view.

"Hi, Caddie," Janis whispers, a small smile on her face.

Cady can only stare at her. Her hands shake more than normal as she stares at the girl she fell for. Tears start to brim in her eyes, but she quickly blinks them away.

Janis is holding a vase of yellow roses. Cady can tell that she has been crying. "I heard about what happened at practice and I found out you were here."

"Why do you care?" Cady asks, her voice shaky.

"Because I care about you, Caddie. This past month has been so hard. I broke things off with Kevin the day after you saw us. I've been so alone without you and Damian," Janis sighs.

"Oh...it's been hard for you? How do you think I feel, Janis? I was alone! I cried everyday thinking about you! You broke my heart, Janis! Just leave, Janis. Before you make another mistake," Cady sobs. She starts to break down.

"Caddie, " Janis starts.

"No! Leave, Janis!" Cady screams, watching as Janis slowly walks out the door.

Cady sobs and sobs, wishing she had never fallen for the girl she met on her first day of school.

\------------------------------

Damian returns a few days later, allowing Cady to be discharged. Cady's parents beg Damian to look after Cady while they're in Kenya, and of course Damian agrees.

On the drive back to Cady's house, an awkward silence fills the air. Cady hasn't spoken a word since Janis came to visit her. She just can't seem to find the words. She stares out the window, watching the trees pass as they drive toward the all too familiar neighborhood.

As her house comes into view, she looks down at her thighs. She's gained weight since she's been in the hospital. They got her to eat without having to puke it all up. She still eats very little, but at least she keeps it down

Nala immediately jumps on to Cady when she walks in the door. A small smile stretches across her face, picking her up. She lays down on the couch, holding Nala in her arms. She turns on the television, an old episode of Friends filling the screen.

"Damian?" Cady says, her voice splotchy.

"Yeah?" Damian asks, sitting down next to her.

"Janis came to visit me," she whispers.

"She what?!" Damian yells.

"Please don't freak out...I told her to go away," Cady whispers, starting to cry.

"Oh, Caddie," Damian says, pulling her small frame into his lap.

Cady lets out a loud sob, all of her built up emotions falling everywhere. She sobs and sobs, starting to hyperventilate. Damian softly sings I Have A Dream from Mamma Mia. Cady just can't stop crying.

Visions of the girl she's still in love with flood her mind, making her cry harder. She can't handle it. She clings on to Damian, having a full breakdown.

The girl she loves actually cares, but Cady can't trust her. But her love still burns like a never-ending match.


	12. a return to hell with an angel in the shadows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: threats of sexual assault, homophobic slurs.

Cady stares at herself in the mirror, her new reflection staring back her. It's her first day back to school after Winter Break. And Damian has to go in late, meaning that Cady has to face this all alone. Her hands shake as she grabs her bag and plugs her headphones in. The Heathers soundtrack fills her ears. She keeps her head down, trying not to overwhelm herself.

The second she approaches the school, the whispers start. Cady can't even bare to look up, even though she can feel the eyes of those around her digging into her. She tries to blink back her tears but they slowly fall down her face. But she doesn't even have the courage to try and wipe them away.

Without Damian, she's completely alone. She sits in Ms. Norbury's class, counting down the minutes until third period. So that she can see her best friend. She keeps her face in her phone, making sure not to look at anyone else.

Before Cady even looks up at her, Regina is ripping off her headphones. "Aw, the little lesbo freak finally decided to resurface. How was the psych ward?" Regina smirks.

Cady rolls her eyes. "Can you please leave me alone, Regina?"

"And lose my entertainment for the day? Fuck no," Regina cackles, pushing Cady to the floor. "You should've stayed there. Slit your wrists some more so you didn't have to come back. Because you're going to regret it."

Regina walks off with Gretchen and Karen as Cady pulls herself up off the floor. She lets out a shaky sigh, letting a stray tear roll down her cheek. How is she going to survive her morning without Damian?

\------------------------------

Damian walks into third period and is immediately tackled by Cady. And she refuses to let go of him.

"Woah, Caddie, I wasn't gone that long," he laughs.

Cady lets out a shaky breath.

"What happened?" he asks, concern growing in his voice.

"Regina fucking George happened," Cady mumbles.

Damian pulls her closer, walking them both back to their seats. They make small about Heathers and weird stuff they found on Instagram to pass the time. Cady lets out a small sigh of relief, happy that her best friend is with her.

"Alright, I'm going to the bathroom," Cady says, leaving the classroom. She starts to feel dizzy, making her stop in the middle of the hallway. And then she is getting picked up and slammed into a locker. She lets out a yelp, staring into the face of her attacker.

Shane Omen.

"Aw, you know you love it, jungle freak. You loved it when I took you by surprise in the bathroom. How about we do that again? You'd like that, wouldn't you?" he teases.

Cady whimpers, trying to wriggle free from his grip.

"Oh come on, jungle girl. Let's have some fun," he growls.

Before Cady can even try to scream, Shane is pushed off of her. She lifts her head, seeing Janis beating the shit out of Shane. She kicks and punches until he's practically unconscious.

Janis rushes to Cady, pulling her in her arms. Cady sobs and hyperventilates, allowing Janis to hold her.

"J-Janis...h-he..." Cady tries, and failing to speak.

"Shhh...Caddie it's okay," Janis whispers, holding her close.

"H-he f-forced me t-to...b-blow h-h-him..." Cady stutters, breaking down even more.

Janis's eyes grow wide. "Oh my God, Caddie. Why didn't you tell anyone?" she says, holding her closer.

Cady doesn't know what to say.

Janis pulls out her phone, texting Damian over and over until he finally meets them in the hallway. Janis explains what happened, leaving Cady with Damian while she goes to tell Ms. Norbury what happened.

Damian takes Cady to the library, pulling her towards their spot. Cady curls into Damian, letting small sobs escape her lips. Damian holds her close, wondering what else Cady has kept secret. If she can keep something that traumatic a secret, what horrors are still waiting to be unleashed?

\------------------------------

Cady texts Janis, asking her to come to the library during lunch so that they can talk. Cady watches Janis walk in, looking around for her.

"Over here," Cady mumbles.

"Hey, Caddie. How are you feeling?" Janis asks, sitting down next to Cady.

"I...I don't really know, if I'm being honest," Cady admits, looking down at her hands.

Janis takes Cady's hands into hers. "Caddie, listen to me, you really should have told someone about this. This is something that you should not have to go through alone. I know we're not on the best of terms but I really do care about you."

Cady nods, looking up at Janis. She missed those brown eyes. Without a second thought, she wraps her arms around Janis, nuzzling her head into her neck.

Janis holds Cady close, missing the feeling of her in her arms. They stay like that for a while. Just allowing the moment to happen. Breathing each other in.

Until Damian comes back from the office.

"Did I miss something?"

\------------------------------

After school, Damian is instructed to take Cady to the police station to give her account on what happened with Shane. Damian can see the nerves building inside of Cady and he immediately pulls her into a hug.

"Caddie, I know it hurts. And I know it's hard. But you have to do this. He needs to pay for what he's done," Damian says, holding Cady close.

Cady doesn't say anything, only nods against Damian. She takes a deep breath, walking into the building, hand in hand with Damian.

\------------------------------

After the interview at the station, Damian takes Cady home, only to find Janis waiting for them. Damian tenses slightly, looking over at Cady.

Cady doesn't know what to think. She can only stare at Janis.

"Alright, I know you guys probably don't want to see me. But I need to get this off my chest. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I should have talked to you guys. I shouldn't have just shut you both out. This has been eating me alive. I am so fucking sorry. I'm a horrible person and a horrible friend," Janis sobs, breaking down in front Damian and Cady.

Cady and Damian look at each other, kind of reading the other's mind. They both pull Janis in for a hug, allowing them all to cry it out.

Cady cries for herself.

Damian cries for his two best friends.

And Janis cries over what she's done to the girl she loves.

Some time after the emotional reunion, Damian has to leave for a babysitting job, leaving Janis in charge of Cady.

"Caddie, we should talk," Janis says as they both sit on the couch.

"I know," Cady mumbles.

But she knows what will happen. And she already knows that she doesn't know how to handle these emotions. She's already fallen once, but falling a second time is ten times faster and can hit the ground harder. And Cady is like a rain drop falling from the sky, ready to hit the ground.


	13. the universe aligns for a moment in time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: homophobic slurs

Cady and Janis sit in the living room, not wanting to address the elephant in the room. Cady stares down at her hands. Janis stares at the girl in front of her, wishing she could pull her small frame into her arms and kiss her.

"Listen. That night we had sex, my thoughts became too much. Caddie, ever since the incident with Regina in eighth grade, I've suffered from these awful thoughts. And I didn't want to be the space dyke. I wanted to prove Regina wrong. So I decided to text Kevin. And fuck do I regret that. I should have just talked to you. I hurt you and I feel fucking awful for that. There was no reason to hurt you. And it's killed me for the past month. Caddie, I want to go back to the way things were. I want us all to be best friends again," Janis says, quickly wiping away her tears.

Cady can't even look at her. She doesn't know what to say. She doesn't know what to say. But she somehow manages to complete a small sentence. "I forgive you. I don't know about Damian, but I do."

Janis immediately pulls Cady into her arms, holding her close. Cady wraps her arms around Janis, breathing in the girl she's missed so much.

They stay like that for a while, just breathing each other in. Holding each other. Loving each other.

\------------------------------

They decide to watch a movie after they let go of each other. They scroll through Netflix, trying to decide on a movie. They eventually agree on The Lovely Bones, Cady snuggling into Janis as the movie begins. Janis wraps her arm around Cady, playing with her hair.

As the movie plays, Janis steals glimpses at Cady, who is completely enthralled in the movie. Janis has already seen this before, so she knows it's about to get really good but way too sad.

As the events unfold on the screen, Janis watches Cady as a few tears slip down her face. Janis wipes them away, pulling Cady closer to her.

Cady looks up at Janis, getting lost in those brown eyes that she loves so much. She bites her lip absentmindedly, looking at Janis.

Janis pulls Cady's lip out from between her teeth and kisses her softly, running her fingers through Cady's auburn curls.

Cady completely melts into Janis, immediately kissing back. She missed this more than she would like to admit.

They kiss for some time, without even realizing it.

Cady is the one to pull away for a breath. She looks up at Janis, not knowing what to say.

Janis stares into the bright blue eyes she's longed for. She pulls Cady into her arms and holds her tight, not wanting to let go. "Caddie?"

"Yes, Janis?"

"Will you be my girlfriend?"

Cady doesn't know what to say. But, without thinking, she gives her an answer.

"Yes."


	14. the sun still shines behind the clouds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: homophobic slurs

Cady wakes up excited. Her life is finally taking a turn for the better. She makes sure to take a little extra time with her makeup, wanting to look nice for Janis. She pulls on a thin black sweater and a brown corduroy skirt. She takes a deep breath in the mirror as she styles her hair. She wants to look nice for Janis. She doesn't want Janis to have to drag around a messy girlfriend. She pulls on some wedged black ankle boots, grabbing her things, and heading downstairs.

She grabs a granola bar, heading outside to meet Janis. Janis stands on the sidewalk, scrolling on her phone. She's dressed in a yellow dress, printed with designs painted by Janis, black fishnet tights, her infamous jean jacket, and black boots. Cady bites her lip, meeting up with her girlfriend.

"Caddie, you look gorgeous," Janis smiles, wrapping her arm around Cady.

"No, you," Cady giggles.

Janis rolls her eyes, making small talk. They're too enthralled with each other to pay attention to those around them. They stare and whisper as the two girls walk inside the school. But Cady can still hear them, and Janis knows that. But she doesn't bring it up.

Janis and Cady stand outside of Ms. Norbury's room, sharing small kisses until Damian jumps between the two of them.

"Is it official?" Damian asks, practically jumping up and down.

"No, Damian, we're just making out as friends," Janis answers sarcastically, smirking.

Damian pulls both of them in for a hug.

"So help me God, Sarkisian. You hurt her, they will never find your body," Damian whispers.

Cady lets out a giggle as Janis rolls her eyes and nods.

The trio walks into homeroom, laughing and making small talk, mainly about Heathers. Janis pulls Cady into her lap, Cady letting out a small squeak. Janis holds her close, allowing Cady to cuddle into her. Janis never wants to let her go. She never wants to hurt her again. She presses a kiss to Cady's lips, allowing Cady to melt in her arms.

They're interrupted by Damian letting out a loud gag.

"Really, Damian?" Cady giggles.

"Yes," he says. "You being all lovey dovey makes me want to die."

"What about Aaron?" Janis questions, a smirk appearing on her face.

Damian flushes, "That's different."

"Mhm," Janis laughs, kissing Cady again.

\------------------------------

Cady sits at her desk, reading her book. English class is so boring to her, but she has to make the best of it. Until pink painted fingernails grab the book out of her hand.

"So, the little lesbo jungle freak finally made it official with the space dyke?" Regina grins.

"Regina, leave me alone," Cady groans, reaching for her book.

"Don't talk to her like that!" Gretchen snarls, throwing Cady's book over to Karen.

Karen opens the book upside down, trying to read it. Cady rolls her eyes, grabbing it out of Karen's hands.

"Listen you fucking dyke, you little lesbians need to cut it out. Or I'll make your shitty life even worse. You wouldn't want everyone to see those ugly fucking scars, would you?" Regina grins, heading back to her table. Gretchen and Karen follow her immediately, as if they're attached by a string.

Her words sink into Cady's skin, almost like cigarettes burning into her. She tries to start reading again, but she can't concentrate. Regina's words repeat over and over again in her head.

_I'll make your shitty life even worse. You wouldn't want everyone to see those ugly fucking scars, would you?_

\------------------------------

The lunch bell rings, but Cady doesn't walk toward the cafeteria. Before she can even realize what she's doing or where she's going, she's walking into the library and toward her spot. She sinks into the bean bag, tears starting to stream down her face. She doesn't let out any sobs or noises. She just lays there, tears silently streaming down her face.

\------------------------------

Janis watches the clock tick by, waiting for Cady to walk through the cafeteria doors. But she doesn't. Janis grows concerned, wondering where her girlfriend could have gone.

Damian sits down in front of her, already reading her face.

"Alright, let's go."

\------------------------------

Janis and Damian find Cady easily. Janis can tell something is wrong. She looks up at Damian and he nods, knowing that she wants them to be alone.

Janis sits down next to Cady, pulling her into her lap. Cady grips on to Janis's jacket, letting out a small sniffle.

"What's wrong, babygirl?" Janis asks, playing with Cady's hair.

Cady only lets out a whimper.

"Was it Regina?" Janis asks.

Cady nods, whimpering a little louder.

Janis holds her close, lifting her head up. She stares into Cady's blue eyes, wiping away her tears. Janis takes Cady's face into her hands and presses a soft kiss to her lips. Cady immediately kisses back, gripping on to Janis's jacket harder.

They stay there for the whole lunch period, cuddling and kissing.

"Are you okay with me calling you that?" Janis asks, playing with Cady's curls.

"Calling me what?" Cady responds, playing with the hem of Janis's dress.

"Babygirl," Janis says.

"Yeah," Cady flushes. "I like it."

"Good," Janis smiles.

\------------------------------

"So when the fuck did this happen?" Damian questions, pulling Cady down next to him in Drama class.

"Last night," Cady smiles.

They continue to talk about how Janis and Cady came to be, making Cady blush harder and harder until she looks like a tomato.

But then Aaron Samuel interrupts them.

"Hey, Damian. Do you want to go out this weekend?" Aaron asks, smiling and rubbing the back of his neck.

Damian smiles, "Yeah, that would be great."

"Awesome," Aaron responds, kissing Damian's cheek and quickly walking away.

Damian is hardcore blushing at this point.

"You know what I find funny?" Cady giggles.

"What?" Damian asks.

"The fact that the two leads who are supposed to be in love with each other are both super fucking gay."

\------------------------------

After Heathers practice, Janis meets up with Cady and Damian. They all walk to Damian's house, Janis's arm around Cady the entire time.

They decide to put on a movie as they all hang out and do their homework. Cady curls up on Janis's lap, completing her Calculus homework.

"Caddie, can we read through our scripts?" Damian asks.

"Yeah, sure," Cady answers, pulling out her script.

As they read through, Cady begins to get stressed, knowing that she has to memorize her lines. As her stress continues to grow, she absentmindedly scratches at her scars.

Janis immediately notices this, pulling Cady's hand away. Cady looks at her as Janis presses small kisses to her scars. This causes Cady to smile slightly, pulling Janis into a hug.

\------------------------------

It's around 11:30 when Janis takes Cady home. Janis carries Cady the whole way home, holding her close. Cady still weighs practically nothing and Janis knows how tired she is. Cady tried to protest but the second Janis picked her up, she cuddled into her.

Once they get back to Cady's house, they go up to Cady's room. Cady gets ready for bed, washing her face and putting on some pajamas. Janis climbed over to her own room, getting ready for bed herself.

When Janis returns, they climb into Cady's bed, turning on her TV. They watch reruns of The Office, Cady soon falling asleep. Janis holds her close, appreciating the girl she can finally call hers.

The thought immediately puts a smile on her face.

As Janis becomes more tired, she turns off the TV, holding Cady close and succumbing to her need for sleep.

\------------------------------

Cady wakes up screaming, the events with Shane still playing in her head. She sobs loudly, starting to hyperventilate.

Janis shoots up, looking for the source of the scream. She looks over at her girlfriend who is falling apart in front of her.

"Oh, Caddie," Janis whispers, pulling her close. "Caddie, it's okay. It was only a nightmare."

"No, it wasn't!" Cady cries.

It immediately clicks. "Caddie, I swear on my life that I will never let him hurt you again. I will always protect you," she says, looking into Cady's eyes.

Cady looks up at Janis, tears still streaming down her face. Janis wipes them away, pressing a small kiss to Cady's lips.

They lay back down, Cady cuddling into Janis.

"You're okay, babygirl. I'll always protect you," Janis whispers, holding Cady close.

Cady melts in Janis's arms as she whispers sweet-nothings into her ear. Janis plays with her hair, making sure Cady knows just how much she truly loves her.

Cady soon falls asleep, falling even more in love with Janis. She wants to spend the rest of her life with Janis, even though she truly has no clue what she's doing.

But she does know one thing. That she is truly, madly, deeply in love with Janis Marie Sarkisian.


	15. love is more addicting than drugs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: N/A

Cady wakes up, still in Janis's arms. A smile slowly spreads across her face, snuggling into Janis. Janis is still asleep, softly snoring. Cady turns on her TV, putting The Office back on. She watches TV and plays on her phone for about an hour, basically until Janis wakes up.

Janis wakes up completely disoriented, trying to figure out where she is. She looks over at Cady, and slowly smiles. She pulls Cady on top of her, Cady letting out a giggle.

"Good morning, gorgeous," Janis smiles, kissing her quickly.

"Good morning, Janis," Cady blushes. "How did you sleep?"

"Great. You?" Janis responds, holding Cady close.

"Pretty good since I was with you," Cady smiles, melting into Janis's arms.

They stay silent for a while. But it's a comfortable silence. They breathe each other in, wondering how they both got so lucky.

"Hey, Caddie?" Janis says, playing with Cady's hands.

"Yeah?" Cady responds, looking up at her.

"Want to go on a date? Like a real date?" she asks, smiling.

"I would love to," Cady answers, smiling.

"Great. Tonight then. Alright I have to go," Janis says, kissing Cady's cheek. "I'll pick you up at 6:00. And dress nice."

"See you then," Cady smiles as Janis climbs out the window. Cady immediately texts Damian.

_I need you to come over. Emergency!_

Within 10 minutes, Damian is banging on the door. Cady opens the door and Damian stumbles in.

"What's wrong? What's the emergency?" Damian asks frantically.

"Calm down," Cady giggles. "Janis asked me out on a real date tonight and she told me to dress nice. I need help."

"You've asked just the right person," Damian grins.

\------------------------------

"Damian, I look ridiculous!" Cady exclaims from the dressing room.

"I know where Janis is taking you and you need to look really good. Just let me see!" Damian yells.

"Fine!" Cady says, stomping out of the dressing room.

"Caddie, you look stunning!" Damian screams.

Cady is dressed in a navy blue dress that stops at her mid-thigh. The lace sleeves decorate her arms and her collar bones are exposed.

"Damian, are you sure?" she asks, looking down at the dress.

"Caddie, I would never lie to you. Now let's get some heels and makeup and then we can start getting ready," Damian smiles.

"We?" Cady questions.

"I'm a flamboyant gay boy. Do you expect me not to get involved in this?"

\------------------------------

Damian has picked out some three inch nude heels for Cady. He picks up the dress and heels, sending Cady off to Sephora for some new makeup.

Cady browses the aisles, slowing picking out a few items. She's looking at a palette when someone who is all too familiar walks by. Karen Smith. Cady tries to keep her head down, but that doesn't work.

"Cady?" Karen asks.

"Yep, that's me," Cady sighs, ready for the worst.

"What are you shopping for? I want to help!" Karen giggles, playing with her hair.

"Oh, um...I'm looking at some stuff for my date tonight," Cady says, looking down at the floor.

"With Janis, right? You guys are so cute together!" Karen exclaims.

"Oh, wow...um...thanks, Karen," Cady smiles.

"Now, let's get you some stuff to make you look hot!" Karen giggles, dragging Cady along.

\------------------------------

Cady walks out of Sephora with two bags, still a little shocked that Karen Smith, a Plastic, helped her out. Karen picked her out a bunch of new stuff, basically enough for an entire new face. Cady meets up with Damian outside of the store.

"You will not believe what just happened," Cady says as they walk out of the mall.

"That you just spent way more than you thought?" Damian teases.

"Karen Smith helped me and said that Janis and I are cute together," Cady says.

Damian stops dead in his tracks. "Karen? As in Karen Smith? Are you sure it was Karen? There's no way. She's too dumb to even hold a conversation let alone help someone."

"I swear it was," Cady says.

"What kind of fucking parallel universe are we in?"

\------------------------------

Damian curled Cady's hair and did her makeup, transforming her into a completely different girl. Cady stands in front of her mirror, completely dolled up. She looks like a new person.

"You look amazing, Caddie," Damian smiles, pulling her in for a hug.

"Thank you, Damian, for everything," Cady says, grabbing her small black purse.

"Have fun tonight, but not too much fun," Damian teases.

Cady giggles and flips him off, meeting Janis outside.

Janis is dressed in a white dress shirt, black bow tie, black skirt, blue suit jacket, sheer black tights, and heeled boots.

"Fuck, Caddie, you look stunning," Janis says, trying to stop her jaw from hitting the ground.

"Me? Janis you look amazing," Cady smiles, pulling her in for a hug.

Janis opens the car door for Cady, making Cady blush. Janis hops in the driver seat, pulling out of Cady's driveway.

A smile is plastered on Cady's face, stealing glances at Janis as she drives into town.

\------------------------------

They arrive at an extremely nice restaurant, one that takes Cady's breath away. Janis had reserved a small booth in the back of the restaurant, allowing them to be alone.

They make small conversation as the night goes on. A night filled with laughter and smiles. Cady finally feels free. She's so in love and she feels as though nothing could go wrong.

Janis looks over at Cady, a mischievous grin on her face. "Play along, okay?"

Cady nods, extremely confused.

Janis gets up out of her seat and gets down on one knee, causing Cady's eyes to practically pop out of her head.

"Caddie, you make me the happiest girl in the world and I am so in love with you. Ever since you moved in, you've caught my attention everyday. I know we've had some trouble but I love you and I never want to hurt you. Please make me the happiest girl in the world and be mine forever. Marry me?" Janis confesses.

At this point, they have the attention of the entire restaurant. Cady's hand is covering her mouth and all she can do is nod. They are surrounded by applause and end up with a free dessert.

"By the way, I just wanted the free dessert," Janis whispers.

Cady giggles, rolling her eyes.

\------------------------------

After dinner, Janis takes Cady to the park. They walk hand in hand and lay down in the grass staring up at the stars.

"Janis?" Cady says, looking up at the sky.

"Yeah?" Janis responds.

"Did you mean what you said? At the restaurant?" Cady asks, playing with her hands.

"I mean, yeah, of course I did. Caddie, I'm so fucking in love with you. You have no idea how much I love you," Janis confesses.

"I love you, Janis. So fucking much," Cady says, looking over at Janis.

They both stand up, bathing in the moonlight. Cady stares up at Janis, love filling her eyes. Janis moves to close the gap between their lips.

But then Cady's phone starts going off like crazy. It's Damian.

_Caddie!_

_You need to go home!_

_NOW!_

_Caddie, I'm serious!_

Janis rushes Cady home, the worst thoughts running through both of their heads. Someone might have broken in. What if she was robbed? Cady fidgets in the passenger seat, hoping for the best.

Once Cady is home she rushes inside.

But everything is fine.

Except for one thing.

Her parents are home.

And they're furious.

_Oh shit._


	16. everything shatters like glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: self-harm

"Mom, Dad...you didn't tell me you were coming home," Cady says, trying to conceal the shock that can be easily read on her face.

"We wanted to surprise you, _mpenzi_ ," her mom says, anger clearly exuding out of her mouth.

"Um..Mom, Dad...this is Janis," Cady says, looking down at the floor.

"Nice to meet you, Janis...would you mind leaving us alone to talk with Cady?" her dad smiles, trying to be as nice as possible in the situation.

"No problem, Mr. and Mrs. Heron. Nice to meet you," Janis smiles, closing the door behind her.

The second Janis shuts the door, it feels like time stops. Cady keeps her head down, looking at the floor. Cady and her parents stay in an awkward silence, neither of them knowing what to say.

"Cady, _mpenzi_ , we got a call while we were in Kenya from a girl at your school. She said that she thought you were in trouble. And she told us that you had feelings for girls," her mom says, putting a hand on Cady's shoulder.

Cady doesn't know what to say.

"We still love you. We are so proud of who you have become, Cady, but we just wish you would have told us," he dad says.

"I...I didn't know how to tell you. I didn't know how you would react and I didn't want to disappoint you. Especially after the whole situation in December..." Cady trails off.

" _Mpenzi_ , you could never disappoint us. What happened in December of course worried us, but we just wanted you to be okay. You're our daughter, Cady, and we're always going to love you," her mom says.

Cady pulls them both in for a hug, a sigh of relief escaping her lips. Her parents hold her close, happy to have their daughter back.

"But we do have some bad news," her dad says, breaking the small silence.

"We need to move back to Kenya and after what that girl told us, we want you to come back with us," her mom says.

Cady's face goes pale. "Mom, you can't do this. I need to stay. I want to stay," Cady cries.

"Cady...we're worried about you...what that girl said on the phone..." her dad trails off.

"Who called you?" Cady asks, starting to get angry.

"That's not important, _mpenzi_ ," her mom answers.

"Who called you?" Cady asks again, getting even more infuriated.

"She said her name was...Regina?" her dad answers.

Cady's hands start to shake as she begins to see red. Regina fucking George. That's a low fucking blow. Lower than Cady ever thought Regina would go.

" _Mpenzi_ , I'm sorry but our answer is final. Now, we're going to take Nala to a shelter and you're going to pack your things," her dad says as her mom picks up Nala.

The second they shut the door, Cady breaks down. She runs upstairs to her room, unsure of what she is going to do. Her phone is exploding from the amount of texts flooding in from Janis and Damian. She powers down her phone, not knowing how to explain this to her best friend and her girlfriend.

She slams the door behind her when she stomps into her bathroom. She promised Janis she had gotten rid of her razors, but that was an easy lie. She strips herself of her dress, leaving her in her bra and underwear, sobbing on the bathroom floor.

Her first cut is extremely deep, blood pouring out of her wound. She continues to slice at her arms, her sobs becoming louder and louder. She needs to stop. She doesn't want to stop. She can't make herself stop. Her blood pools around her as she continues to dig the razor into her arms.

Until the bathroom door swings open. It's Janis.

Janis's eyes go wide, immediately pulling the razor out of Cady's fingers. She throws it in the toilet and flushes it, leaving Cady to start to hyperventilate. Janis sinks to the floor, pulling Cady into her lap. Janis holds her close, Cady's blood staining her white dress shirt.

"J-Janis I'm s-sorry," Cady sobs.

"Shhh...calm down," Janis says, holding Cady even closer.

Cady eventually calms down, tears still streaming down her face as Janis cleans her up. Janis cleans her cuts and bandages them. She then cleans the floor, staying quiet. Janis strips Cady of her undergarments and dresses her in a pair of sleep shorts and an Ed Sheeran hoodie.

"Janis please don't be mad at me," Cady whispers.

"Caddie, I'm not mad at you. I just want to know why," Janis says, playing with Cady's hands.

Cady sniffles, trying to wipe away her tears. "My parents have to move back to Kenya. And Regina called them saying that I was in trouble and they should be worried about me. So I have to go with them. Right now they're currently taking Nala to a shelter," Cady admits, starting to sob again.

"Oh, Caddie," Janis says, pulling Cady back into her arms.

Cady sobs into Janis's chest, gripping on to her jacket. Janis holds her close, whispering sweet-nothings in her ear. Cady continues to cry, breaking Janis's heart more and more.

\------------------------------

Cady soon falls asleep in Janis's arms. Janis tucks her into bed, closing the door behind her. At this point, Cady's parents have come back home. Janis changed into one of Cady's old tee shirts, not wanting them to see their daughter's blood on her dress shirt.

"Mr. and Mrs. Heron, can I please talk to you?" Janis asks when she reaches the bottom of the stairs.

"Um...sure, Janis," Mrs. Heron says, imploring Janis to sit on the couch.

"Cady asked me to come over to calm her down because she's really upset. Is there any possible way she can stay? Cady is just starting to become a happy teenager. She's the lead in the school musical. She's created a life for herself here. Is there truly any way she can stay?" Janis asks, playing with her hands.

"Well, Janis, there is. It's just that we are so worried about her. She ended up in the hospital while we were gone. We just don't want the worst to happen and for us to not be here," Mr. Heron admits.

"I can assure you that Damian and I will keep her safe. I can promise you. If I must admit, I am in love with your daughter. She is absolutely amazing and I'm so in love with her. She makes me so happy. She's completely changed since December. I promise to keep her safe," Janis says whole-heartedly.

"Well...as long as you can keep us updated...then she can stay," Mrs. Heron decides, pulling Janis in for a hug.

"Thank you so much, Mr. and Mrs. Heron. You will not regret this," Janis smiles.

Janis heads back upstairs, cuddling Cady while she sleeps. Janis is too happy to sleep. She admitted her feelings without having a breakdown.

She's the space dyke.

And she's proud of that.


	17. ripping apart at the seams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: smut, suicidal thoughts

Two weeks have gone by in the small town of Evanston, Illinois. Cady's parents have officially moved back to Kenya, leaving Cady alone with Janis and Damian. For the first time in, possibly, forever, Cady is happy. She has the perfect girlfriend. She has an amazing best friend. And she is Veronica Sawyer in Heathers. It is currently tech week at North Shore, which means every drama kid is living their own personal hell.

Cady, however, is skating on thin ice. She is so stressed that at any moment the ice beneath her feet could just shatter. And Janis can easily see this. Cady tries play it off as though she is perfectly fine, but Janis knows her all too well. Janis just wants to hold her close and tell her that everything is going to be alright. But between her school work and rehearsal, she barely sees her anymore.

"Caddie, what time do you think that you will be home from rehearsal?" Janis asks, picking at her french fries at lunch.

"Rehearsal ends at 9:30...so I should be home around like 10:00," Cady replies, working on her Calculus homework.

Janis plants a kiss on Cady's cheek, making her blush as she goes through the motions of her equations. Janis places her hand on her thigh, a smirk slowing forming. Cady lets out a tiny gasp, immediately biting her lip. If only Cady knew what awaited her that night.

\------------------------------

Cady sighs as she slides her key in the doorknob, another night of rehearsal done. The show opens in two days and she has never felt more stressed out in her life. She shuts the door behind her, almost letting out a scream when she turned around. There stood Janis by the kitchen table with candles and food.

Tears filled Cady's eyes, immediately dropping her bags and jumping into Janis's arms.

"Do you like it?" Janis asks.

"Like it? I love it!" Cady exclaims, kissing Janis.

"Well, I love you, babygirl, and I thought that this might help you relax," Janis smiles.

Cady sits down across from Janis, a permanent smile plastered on her face.

\------------------------------

After dinner, Janis leads Cady upstairs, kissing up and down her neck, resulting in a few moans escaping Cady's lips. Janis slams the door behind them, pushing Cady down on to her bed. As Janis kisses down Cady's neck and chest, Cady scratches down Janis back, earning a few moans from Janis.

Janis takes Cady's wrists and pins them above her head, leaving Cady to gasp. Cady was in the hands of Janis and she has no way of escaping. But she doesn't want to. Janis immediately sinks two fingers in Cady, earning an extremely loud moan from Cady.

Janis starts moving her fingers faster, making Cady's legs shake uncontrollably. Janis can tell that Cady is getting close. So she stops.

Cady lets out a growl. "Janis, what the-"

Janis immediately sinks her tongue inside of Cady, causing Cady to let out a pretty loud scream. Cady grips Janis's hair, causing Janis to let out an animalistic groan. Cady's legs start to shake again, but this time, Janis doesn't stop. Cady finally lets go, letting out a string of loud moans.

\------------------------------

Later that night, Cady is wrapped in Janis's arms as Janis snores softly. However, Cady can't seem to sleep. She hasn't told Janis but her thoughts have come back and they're ready to fight.

_You should kill yourself._

_Janis only wants a fuck._

_She doesn't care about you._

All Cady can do is lay there as tears stream down her face.


	18. the heartbeat of a savior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: suicidal thoughts

When Cady wakes, Janis isn't beside her. Her heart drops down to her stomach. She slowly slips on a fresh pair of panties, a pair of black yoga shorts, and her black Ed Sheeran hoodie. She attempts to rub the exhaustion out of her eyes as she heads to downstairs. Something is different. There's a slight warmth and shine to the kitchen.

The sight of Janis making pancakes makes Cady practically fall over. She realizes how much she loves this girl. Soon enough, without even realizing, Cady is biting her lower lip and watching her girlfriend. Janis is extremely concentrated on what she's making. A perfect breakfast for her perfect girlfriend.

Janis turns around to grab a plate when she spots Cady, causing her to jump. "Christ, Caddie. You're so quiet," she giggles.

Cady flushes and instinctively covers her face. Janis walks over to her and takes her hands away from her face. Cady gazes up through her lashes, biting her lip. Janis doesn't say anything, instead she kisses Cady, holding her close. Cady relaxes, allowing her girlfriend to be the only person that exists in her universe at that moment.

"Well, I was going to bring you breakfast in bed, but since you're down here, it's time to eat," Janis smiles.

Cady tenses but decides to sit at the counter. She doesn't want to argue about this again. Janis places a plate in front of her. Pancakes, eggs, and bacon glare at her. Her eyes widen and Janis can see her panic.

"You have to eat at least half of it. Okay?" Janis asks, grasping Cady's hand.

Cady nods and picks up her fork. She slowly eats and keeps quiet. The only thing that is racing through her head are the same thoughts that kept her awake that previous night. Soon enough, she's pushing what's left around on her plate.

Janis gazes up at her, knowing that something is wrong. She's normally so bright and lively. The air that surrounds them is filled with silence. But not a comfortable silence. The silence that fills the air is almost static. As if one wrong move could cause an extreme reaction.

Cady puts down her fork, allowing her hands to drop to her lap. She stares at her pale hands, as if they were foreign to her. Her shaking fingers start to pull at the sleeve of her hoodie, trying to occupy her running mind.

_She wants to leave you._

_You're no good for her._

_You're too broken for her to love her._

_You should end it._

_You being gone would make her happy._

"Caddie? You okay?" Janis asks, putting her hand on Cady's shoulder.

"T-they're back," Cady answers shakily.

"What do you mean? What's back?" Janis asks, pulling Cady into her arms.

"M-my thoughts...they're back and t-they're bad..." Cady trails off.

Janis is quiet, continuing to hold Cady close to her. She doesn't know what to think. She wants to help her girl but she truly doesn't know. This isn't something that her and Damian can just help with.

"Caddie...I want you to think about what I'm going to suggest. I want you to really think about it, okay?" Janis says, holding Cady's face in her hands.

Cady nods, a fearful look in her eyes.

"I...I want you to think about maybe going to therapy. You've been through so much and this isn't something that Damian and I can just help you through. I know it's a lot to ask but I think it will really help you. When my parents got divorced, it was really hard on my sister and me. We both went to therapy and it really helped. When Regina ruined my life, I went to therapy. I know it feels weak to ask for help, I truly understand how it feels. But it will really help. Now, I'm not asking you to make an immediate decision. It is a lot to consider. So just think about it, okay?" Janis explains.

Cady looks down at her trembling hands. Her thoughts are silent for the moment. She doesn't really know how to react to Janis's suggestion. Janis is right. It's a lot to consider.

"I-I...I'll think about it," Cady trembles, immediately wrapping her arms around Janis.

"It's okay. Caddie," Janis whispers, holding her close and stroking her hair.

\------------------------------

"Our love is God..." Cady and Aaron sing, Cady held tightly in Aaron's arms. It's one of the final tech rehearsals of Heather's. Cady is super stressed, as is Damian. Heathers is an extremely difficult show and it's taking its toll on Cady and Damian.

"And that's intermission!" Mr. Stephan calls, the house lights coming on.

Cady goes to look for Janis, who's on stage crew, when the front door opens. Cady looks up to see Regina George sauntering down the aisle. Cady immediately goes pale and freezes. Cady knows why she's there. To freak her the fuck out. And it's working.

"Hi, Mr. Stephan! Would you mind if we talked for a minute?" Regina giggles, seeing Cady.

Cady watches and trembles as Regina talks to Mr. Stephan about God-knows-what. Cady looks down at the stage beneath her feet, feeling as though she doesn't belong.

It feels like forever passes, but finally Regina is finished with her conversation.

"Break a leg, Cady," she smirks, sauntering back down the aisle and heading out the door.

Cady looks like a deer in the headlights. She doesn't know how to react. Her body just freezes. Soon, she feels a pair of arms around her and she tenses.

"Hey, relax. It's just me," Janis whispers.

Cady immediately relaxes.

"You're okay. She can't do anything to you while you're up here. She just wants to psych you out. Don't let her win. You are so much stronger than she is. You are super talented and sweet and kind and just plain amazing. She is nothing compared to you. Never forget that," Janis whispers, holding Cady against her chest so that she can hear her heartbeat.

Cady finally relaxes, ready for Act 2.

\------------------------------

The rest of the night flies by and Cady feels ready to open the show in 2 days. The walk home with Janis is filled with a comfortable silence. They walk down the street hand in hand, Janis kissing Cady's cheek every once in a while, causing Cady to blush.

"Hey Janis?" Cady says.

"Yeah, Caddie?" Janis responds.

"I've been thinking about what you suggested and I've decided that it's a good idea and that I want to give it a try. My mental stability isn't something that I can just expect you and Damian to fix. I have to work on it myself and I think that therapy might really help me," Cady confesses.

"Okay, babes. We can look into it after the show. Sound good?" Janis smiles.

"Sounds perfect," Cady grins, pressing a soft kiss on Janis's lips.

Janis holds her hand tighter as they walk, the comfortable silence filling the air again.

When she gets home, Cady heads upstairs to take a shower. She's alone for the night due to the fact that Janis has to babysit her younger sister. Her muscles and vocal chords ache. She lets the warm water flow over her, letting her body finally relax.

Once she's done, she puts on some pajamas and heads downstairs to make some tea. Once her tea is done, she heads back upstairs and opens up her laptop to read the notes from tech. She doesn't have many, which is a good sign. And the ones she does have are mainly compliments with only small things that need to be corrected. She smiles a genuine smile, which are rare from her (when she's not around Janis, of course).

She finishes her tea, turns off the light, and climbs into bed. She attempts to fall asleep. And that's when her mind starts to wander.

_What was Regina talking about with Mr. Stephan? What if she was talking to him about replacing me if I got hurt? What if that's her plan? To injure me so that she can take my place?_

Her eyes snap open, immediately starting to hyperventilate and somehow ending up on the floor. At that moment. She did the only thing she knew how to do anymore.

Rely on Janis.

Her hands shake viciously as she taps on Janis's contact and hitting the call button.

The phone rings once.

"Hey, Caddie!" Janis smiles. She hears Cady's shaky breaths and all the color drains from her face. "Babes...what's going on?"

"I-I d-d-don't know b-but it's b-bad...p-please h-h-help..." Cady whimpers.

"I'll be right over," Janis promises, hanging up the phone. She immediately runs to her room and climbs through the window to Cady's room.

She opens Cady's window and finds Cady curled up in a ball on the floor. She rushes to turn on the light and to Cady's side.

"Caddie, what's going on? Did you hurt yourself?" Janis asks, an edge of panic in her voice.

Cady can only shake her head.

Relief floods through Janis's veins. She pulls Cady into her lap and holds her close enough that she can hear her heartbeat.

"It's okay, Caddie. You're okay," Janis whispers, holding her close.

Cady continues to hyperventilate, gripping Janis's jacket. Cady soon calms down, falling asleep in Janis's arms. Janis continues to hold her close as she lays her down. Cady reaches out for Janis in her dream-like state, making Janis smile. She closes Cady's window and lays down next to Cady. Cady immediately curls into Janis's side and Janis's arms immediately wrap around Cady.

Despite all of their troubles, to Janis, this is heaven.


	19. spotlights shine bright on dark nights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: mention of self harm scars and anxiety/panic attack(s)

Cady glances up at the clock again. 1:47pm. It's opening night and to say that Cady was nervous would be an understatement. She is terrified. She watches the clock as the minutes tick by. The time moves slowly, only causing Cady's panic to rise.

Her hands start to shake and her breaths become quick. Immediately, her hand shoots up in the air.

"Yes, Miss Heron?" Mr. Hoban asks.

"M-may I use the restroom, please?" Cady chokes out.

As soon as he nods, she races out the door. She stumbles into the bathroom, her eyes filled with tears and starting to hyperventilate.

"Caddie?" Janis asks.

Cady immediately recognizes her voice and runs into her arms. She starts to sob into Janis's chest, her entire body shaking.

"Oh, Caddie," Janis sighs. "It's okay. You're okay. Listen to me. Listen to my heartbeat. It's all okay. I know you're nervous but you've been doing so well at rehearsal. You know what you're doing and you are going to be so amazing. I believe in you, babes."

Cady sobs as Janis slides them down onto the cold tile floor. Janis continues to hold Cady, stroking her hair as Cady rides out her panic attack. Her sobs wrack her small body as she holds onto Janis like a lifeline.

Janis is her rock. Janis is who she trusts. Janis is who she believes. Janis is the one that keeps her breathing.

\------------------------------

After who knows how long, Cady starts to calm down. Her breathing starts to slow and her tears stop, but she can't let go of Janis.

"Caddie? We have to go back to class. It's almost over," Janis says.

Cady whimpers, holding on tighter.

"Okay. Take my jacket. Put it on so it's like I'm right with you. And then, I will meet you at the theatre and I can hold you until showtime. Sound good?" Janis explains, shaking off her jacket.

Cady nods as Janis wraps her jacket around her and slowly pulling her off the floor. Janis walks her back to her classroom, giving her a final kiss on the forehead.

Janis's jacket is way too big on her, but Cady feels safe wrapped in Janis's scent. She slides back into her desk, placing her stuff into her bag. She watches the clock, yet again. 2:29pm. One more minute. She stares down at her hands, playing with the sleeves of Janis's jacket.

The bell rings and Cady rushes out of her class, finding Janis waiting for her. Janis wraps her arm around Cady, walking toward the theatre.

"Janis?" Cady squeaks.

"Yes, Caddie?" Janis responds.

"I love you," Cady smiles.

"I love you too, babes," Janis grins, kissing Cady on the top of her head.

\------------------------------

"You've got this, Cads. I believe in you. You are so amazing and so talented and this is your time to shine," Janis whispers, holding Cady close.

Cady meets her eyes, takes a deep breath, and places a kiss on Janis's lips. The show starts in 10 minutes. Cady looks at herself in the dressing room mirror, touching up her lipstick for the millionth time in the last five minutes. This is her time. Janis is right. This is her role and she was cast for a reason.

Cady walks out onto the stage, stepping into her place. She takes a deep breath as the curtains open and spotlights shine down on her.

"September 1, 1989. Dear Diary,"

\------------------------------

The audience cheers wildly. Cady was amazing. As she took her bow, she received a standing ovation, causing her eyes to fill with tears. She felt like she belonged. Like she was finally accepted. As if she wasn't the new girl, for just a moment. As if she finally found her place in this world. The curtains close and she is wrapped in an extremely tight hug with both Janis and Damian. Janis is in tears, so proud of her girl for getting up there and doing what she was meant to do. Damian is freaking out, saying that this had been their best show ever and that he can't wait for tomorrow night.

Damian finally goes to find his parents, leaving Cady and Janis alone. Janis holds Cady close, praising her and kissing her softly. Cady feels like she is on cloud nine. She has never felt so happy before.

\------------------------------

Janis, Damian, and Cady all go out to iHop after the show, a normal theatre tradition. Cady and Janis sit next to each other, hand in hand. Multiple people (who must have been at the show) come up to Cady and congratulate her on an amazing performance, especially a lot of guys who try to flirt with her. Now, Cady is oblivious to this and just thinks that they are being nice. This pisses Janis off to no end. Janis wraps her arm around Cady, holding her close and kissing her hands and cheek to make sure that everyone can see that Cady is hers. This makes Cady turn absolutely red. She hides her face in the crook of Janis's neck, making Damian fake gag and completely turn around to talk to Aaron. Even though Cady is absolutely exhausted, she never wants this night to end.

\------------------------------

Janis finally takes Cady home at 1:13am. Cady never lets go of Janis's hand. She feels safe when she can feel Janis near her. They head upstairs in a comfortable silence. Janis holds her close when they get to her bedroom.

"Do you want to take a shower?" asks Janis.

Cady nods her head, taking Janis's hand and leading her to the bathroom. Janis helps Cady get ready for her shower, starting the water for her and giving her a towel.

"Janis?" Cady says.

"Yeah?"

"Can you stay with me?"

Janis smiles, following Cady into the shower. Janis holds Cady close, helping her wash up and get the rest of her makeup off. Cady keeps her head buried in Janis's chest, starting to notice her scars again. She feels as though they are staring her down. Her hands start to shake and she starts to scratch at the ones that line her left wrist.

"Hey...none of that," Janis says, taking Cady's hands into hers. "Caddie, they don't define you. They make you the bravest person I know. And I love you so so much."

And then Janis does something unexpected. She takes Cady's wrists into her hands and kisses every single one of her scars. Cady's eyes fill with tears and Cady kisses Janis with all of the love in her body. Janis holds her close, never wanting to let her go.

\------------------------------

Cady is wrapped in Janis's arms, trying to fall asleep. It's close to 2:00am and she is exhausted, but she can't sleep. And Janis knows. She can feel Cady moving around in her arms trying to sleep and failing. So, Janis does what anyone would do to get someone to sleep. Sing to them. Janis sings her "Give Me Love", Cady's favorite song. Cady smiles and snuggles into Janis's side, finally finding the sleep she needed. Janis smiles, holding her closer.

And she never wants to let go.


	20. heartbreak wears pink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: self-harm, sexual situations

Cady is crying. Damian is crying. Heathers was officially closed. Cady received her fourth and final standing ovation for her role of Veronica Sawyer. The curtains close for the last time. Damian pulls Cady into a large hug, the whole cast soon joining in. The whole cast is crying. They don't want to let go. Janis pulls Cady closer to her, whispering in her ear about how proud she is.

"Alright, Caddie. We have a surprise you," Damian sniffles.

"W-what do you mean?" Caddie asks, wiping away a few of her tears. And that's when she sees them.

Her parents.

Cady breaks out into a sprint, running into the open arms of her mother and father. Cady sobs, clinging onto them for dear life. She didn't realize how much she had truly missed them. Her parents were also crying. They held their daughter close and told her how proud they were and how she had truly found herself. They missed their daughter more than anything else in the world.

"How are you guys here?" Cady asks, not letting go.

"Well, Janis and Damian told us the dates of the show. They said they knew it would mean a lot to you if we came to see you so we decided to come back for a week," her mother smiled.

Cady giggled, hugging her parents once more.

\------------------------------

Cady and her parents went out to dinner after the show to be able to catch up. Janis had to stay at the school to strike the set and Damian's family took him out to dinner.

"How has school been, _mpenzi_?" her father asks.

"School has been great, Dad. My classes have been super easy and I've been pretty busy with the show," Cady smiles.

"That's great. Cady. I have to say, you seem so happy," her mother says, grabbing her daughter's hand.

Cady flushes, realizing that she truly is happy. She hadn't been happy in such a long time, she had truly forgotten how it felt.

Cady and her parents continue to talk as they eat. Cady's dad tells his infamous jokes that Cady loved so much when she was younger. Cady's mom shows her pictures of the new animals they've been studying. Cady tells her parents about school and her friends and how happy she's been.

Cady felt as though this moment could last forever and she didn't want it to end.

\------------------------------

It was after midnight when Cady returned home with her parents. But none of them were tired. To Cady, her world had suddenly changed. Everything felt brighter. She felt warmer. She smiled more in those few hours with her parents than she had in the past week. It was starting to dawn on her that she didn't want to be left alone again.

Cady and her parents decided to curl up on the couch and watch a movie. After a good ten minutes of arguing, they all finally agreed on watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Cady had loved that movie since she was younger. It was a movie that her and her parents used to watch together all the time.

The Heron household was filled with laughter for the next hour and a half. Cady laughed with her parents at the jokes that they had all known like the back of their hand. During the movie, Cady started to think. She started to think about how she didn't want to be left without her parents again. Sure, she loved spending all her time with Janis and Damian, but they could never replace her parents.

Once the movie finished, Cady decided to speak up. "Can I talk to you guys about something?" Cady asked.

"Of course you can, Cady," her dad replied.

"I've been thinking. I really missed you guys and I think it took you guys coming back for me to finally realize it. I love Evanston but I don't want to be alone again. I don't want to leave my friends but I don't want to be without you guys again," Cady confessed.

"Aw, _mpenzi_ , you know you can come back to Kenya with us. But this is something you really need to think about. We're going to be here for the next week. You should really think about it, Cady. We will support you, no matter what you decide," her mother said.

Cady smiled and let out a yawn. She hugged her parents and wished them goodbye. As Cady walked upstairs, she decided to call Janis. She really wanted to talk to her about the possibility of going back with her parents. However, Janis didn't answer. Cady shrugged, assuming that Janis was either still at the theatre or asleep.

Cady walked into her room, changing out of her clothes and putting on a pair of gray sweatpants and her black Billie Eilish hoodie. She turned on her television, trying to fall asleep. She was exhausted. But for some reason, she couldn't seem to get her mind to turn off.

So she did what she always did. She sat at her window seat. She opened the curtains and stared at the stars.

Until the flick of a lightswitch caught her attention.

The light in Janis's room.

And then Cady's life crumbled right in front of her.

The familiar blonde hair was the first thing she saw. And then she saw what was unfolding in front of her very eyes. Janis was making out with Regina fucking George. Regina had Janis pinned up against her door, leaving a trail of marks down her neck. She was in the process of trying to get Janis's infamous jacket off of her when Cady's eyes clouded with tears.

She let out no noise. She was gone. She wasn't in control anymore. She had snapped. She walked into her bathroom and started to fill up her bathtub. She made sure the water was extremely hot. She opened up her demon of a cabinet and pulled out her box.

The box that she held stared at her with a mischievous grin. She grabbed the razor and threw the box on the counter. She didn't even bother taking off her clothes. She sank down into the water, the water burning her skin. But she didn't care.

She was gone.

She rolled up her sleeve, taking a look at the scars that still stared back at her. A single tear slid down her cheek and she dug the razor deep into her arm, creating a large gash.

She stared up at the white ceiling, a small smile etching itself onto her face.

And then her world went dark.


	21. please don't go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: panic attacks, lots of crying, hospital setting

Janis fell to her knees. Her legs had given out. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. Mrs. Heron's voice was shaky and Janis could tell that she was trying not to break down over the phone.

"I-I'll be there as s-soon as I can," Janis had choked out. She wasn't even sure if she could move.

"Thank you, Janis. We are going to call Damian. We know she would want you both to be there," Mrs. Heron sniffled.

Janis hung up, staring at the carpet beneath her knees. She couldn't believe it. All she could remember was Regina trying to get into her pants and then Janis kicking her out. And then that phone call. A phone call she would never be able to forget.

Janis pulled herself off the floor, shakily reaching for the door. She didn't even bring her jacket that had been ripped off of her and thrown on the floor. Janis practically fell down the stairs. She grabbed the car keys with tears streaming down her face. She stumbled out of her house, almost forgetting to lock the door.

She sat in the driver's seat, shaking. She quickly texted her mom.

_Had to run to the hospital. Cady emergency. I should be back by morning. I love you._

Janis took a deep breath, trying to swallow her oncoming panic attack. She drove towards the all-too-familiar building. It felt as though it took her an eternity to get there. She could feel her chest getting tight and the second she parked, she let it all out. She was hyperventilating and sobbing. She knew this was the last time. She didn't want to accept that fact, but she knew it was the truth. She was going to lose the girl she loved the most.

A knock on the passenger window startled her. It was Damian. Janis tried to wipe away the flow of tears as she unlocked the door. She took one look at Damian's red puffy eyes and she lost it again. She sobbed harder and harder. Damian wrapped his arms around her and let his tears escape. They both cried and cried, never letting go of each other. And they both knew how this heartbreaking night was going to end.

They were going to lose their best friend.

\------------------------------

The white room was silent except for the beeping of the machines keeping Cady alive. Janis couldn't stop shaking. Her and Damian sat on the opposite side of the room of Cady's parents. Janis couldn't look at them.

No one spoke. They only cried. Cady's lifeless body hurt Janis more than anyone else could know. What did she do? What didn't she do? What made her do this? What was going through her mind?

"D-did she ever t-talk to you guys about doing this?" Mr. Heron asked, wiping his eyes.

"N-no, sir. She w-was always so h-happy around us," Damian answered, still holding Janis. He hadn't let go of her since they were in the parking lot. And Janis didn't want him to let go.

"It's just that..." Mr. Heron trailed off, his words caught in his throat.

"She didn't leave a note," Mrs. Heron whimpered.

That's what set Janis off. She felt like any piece that had been holding her together had broken. She crumpled into Damian's arms, sobbing harder than she ever had before. She didn't even cry this hard when her dad left. She sobbed and sobbed, almost causing herself to throw up.

The thought of Cady trying to kill herself in a spur of the moment decision made Janis realize something. It was all her fault. She saw what happened with Regina. Cady had thought that Janis was cheating on her. That wasn't the truth.

In that moment, Janis wanted to just wake Cady up and tell her what really happened. But it wouldn't happen.

Janis couldn't stop crying. Hell, she was close to passing out. She could barely breathe. All she could do was cry. She slowly wiggled herself out of Damian's arms, sinking to the floor. She took Cady's cold hand in her own and cried. She held her hand close to her. It was the only thing she could hold on to. Whispering, begging for her to come back.

Janis couldn't handle it. She wanted her back. She gripped Cady's hand tighter than ever. She never wanted to let go. Even if it meant that she never woke up. She never wanted to let go of her girl. She never wanted to let go of the girl she could never stop loving. She never wanted to let go of her lifeline.

She wanted a lifetime with Cady. She wanted forever. But her forever was cut short. Because Regina couldn't let anyone be happy. And yet, Jania couldn't help but blame herself. If only she had pushed Regina off sooner. If only Janis had been a little bit stronger.

What was she supposed to do without Cady?

She knew how many times she had hurt Cady. She had felt like she never made it up to her. Like she still didn't deserve the forgiveness and love that Cady had given her.

This was her Caddie. She never wanted to let go.

Janis thought she had felt Cady squeeze her hand.

One last sign of life.

But then the beeping stopped. It was just a long noise. And Janis felt her world fall apart. 


	22. goodbyes shouldn't exist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: N/A

**One Month Later**

Her tear stains are the first thing she notices in the mirror. But she's used to them by now. They haven't left her face since she left. She hasn't been the same. She hasn't touched her jacket. It still smells like her. She misses her big blue eyes. She misses falling asleep with her in her arms. She misses her smile that always used to brighten up her day.

But she's gone now.

Janis stares at herself in the mirror. Her black dress clings to her small body. She's lost a lot of weight in the past month. She barely leaves her room. She never goes to school. She keeps her curtains closed. Her world has gone dark without her sunshine.

She quickly wipes away the tears that are blurring her vision. The crumpled piece of paper in her fist is the only thing keeping her from sinking into the floor and having yet another breakdown. The sound of her phone pulls her out of her thoughts.

Damian was there.

The two of them have been closer than ever. He was the only reason that she didn't let go. She pulls on her boots and grabs her bag, slowly heading downstairs. She's not ready. She didn't want this day to get here so fast. Time moves faster when you're grieving.

The cold air hit her like a bag of bricks. She shivered, hurrying into Damian's car. She never looked up at Damian. Seeing his face would make her realize that today was really here.

For the past month, Janis hasn't had a night without a nightmare. She blames herself. If only she could have told her what really happened. If only she had pushed Regina off sooner. If only she could have told her how much she loves her. Maybe she wouldn't be gone. A day hasn't gone by where Janis doesn't blame herself for what happened.

Cady's parents had asked Janis to speak at the funeral. They could never blame Janis. They knew how much Janis loved their daughter. Truthfully, they blamed themselves. They weren't there for her. They were gone. They had only just come home. If they hadn't fallen asleep after the movie, maybe they could have been able to get to her sooner.

But nothing could save her now.

\------------------------------

"I never thought that I would be up here. Today has honestly been one of the worst days of my life. I miss her every single day. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't miss her. She always knew how to cheer someone up. She was the light of my life and now I'm living in darkness. Cady was someone special to everyone. She was perfect. She may not have thought that but in my eyes she was the most perfect girl in the entire world.

"Everyday is hard without her. I miss her beautiful voice that used to flow throughout the house on the weekends. I miss her beautiful blue eyes that I could just get lost in. I miss her gorgeous smile that always used to brighten up my day. She was one of a kind and I don't think anyone could ever replace her. I loved her. Cady Heron was the love of my life. I truly didn't deserve her. No one did.

"I want to say I'm sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Heron. I wish I could have saved her. She never should have been in that kind of pain. She deserved so much more. I should have been able to save her and I couldn't. I messed up. And I am so sorry that your daughter had to leave in that way. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about how I could have been better. If I had been better, she wouldn't be gone and I'm sorry that I couldn't save her.

"Damian. I'm sorry that our best friend is gone. She was the one who always knew how to make our movie nights better. I miss sitting around and laughing at you guys when you would read through scripts or were just acting like typical theatre nerds. I should have done more. I hate knowing that I caused all of this pain. I should have done more. She shouldn't be gone and the hole she left can never be filled.

"And most importantly, Cady. I'm sorry that I let you down. I wish I could just turn back time because everyday without you is a living hell. I hate that you're not here. God, I never knew how much it hurts to lose someone that you are so in love with. I am so fucking sorry that I didn't do more. You were my oxygen. I can't breathe without you but I have to learn how to. I love you. And I am so sorry."

Janis was sobbing. She couldn't hold it in. She missed her more than anything. As she went to return to her spot next to Damian, she could see her through her tears.

She was sitting in the last row. She was just how Janis remembered her. Janis knew that she was the only one who could see her, but that didn't stop her breath from catching in her throat.

She had that gorgeous smile on her face. She was finally happy. She got up to leave and finally be at peace. But just before she could go, she whispered in Janis's ear.

"I love you."


	23. thank you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is the end ;(

Thank you. From the absolute bottom of my heart. You guys have been the most supportive readers that I could have ever asked for. I have worked on this book and I can't believe that it's over. I cried so much while writing this book and, truthfully, I wouldn't change a thing.

I know this book covered a lot of sensitive topics. Please know that if you EVER need someone to talk to, my inbox is always open. Life is a rollercoaster. It has its ups and downs. And life can really suck sometimes. I am always here to listen and talk.

Thank you for reading.

And never forget that you are all _beautiful_.


End file.
